Angel's Reality

"i figured it out, u are a control freak"

Words of Cruxx. You know what? He's right, I am a control freak. Not in that anal 'I need everything my way' kind of control freak. I just like being able to make my life go the way I want it to go. I'd like to think that if you do things the right way they would end the right way. But no, life plays tricks on you. It encourages you to do one thing only to make you run into a brick wall.

Case in point: Relationships

Relationships are all fine and dandy to look at and read about but once they become a reality, they become a problem. Don't get me wrong...I'm not completely against relationships, I'm against them when I have to be in them. I've played witness to a lot of relationships, here's my opinion:
some start great and get crappy [if the good stuff ends, why continue?]
some start crappy and end great [but is it worth the beginning crap to get to the good stuff?]
some start crappy and end crappy [who needs that much crap?]
some start great and end great [those are too hard to find]

In conclusion...only one of the above mentioned is good for my health but trying to find it may kill me.

Every once in a while I wonder what it would be like to actually be in a relationships [every once in a while I actually wonder who the guy would be] and then something happens. Poof! There goes that thought. People are so full of crap sometimes. You give them an inch and they take an entire football field. Not to mention the fact that people play games.

Case in point: Yesterday's conversation with Phineus

Phineus and I are talking all fine and dandy and then Phineus gets sarcastic and cynical. At first it came across as being kinda funny, then it got irritating. It felt like he was accusing me of something I'd done, which in turn made me feel like I'd done something wrong when it hit me that I hadn't done anything wrong. After a while I got sick of it and became kinda brutal saying go to hell and ended the conversation with "I'm done for today."

I know that it wasn't the nicest thing to do but it felt childish. If you have something to say, why not just say it? Why beat around the bush? I'd like to think that we're all old enough to say what needs to be said.

Maybe I'm wrong....maybe I'm still setting my standards too high.

Exhaustion - noun. extreme weakness or fatigue

I've been working for two weeks now and its starting to feel like two months. My social life has become even more non-existent. Its been reduced to contact with the crazy people I call my co-workers, the people that walk into the office and the people I see on the weekend [when I have the energy]

Strange enough, I like it this way. Its hard to find great people that you enjoy being around constantly [especially for me] Despite coming home most days feeling drained, I feel really lucky to have a job I like surrounded by people I like even more. Very few people have that and I hope that somewhere down the line they end up being as lucky as me.

Aside from work, life is okay I guess. I went out on Friday with Hi-me, Percy, Graci and Andy. We went to Soggy Dollar where I met this Curacaolanean guy who started telling people I was his girlfriend. I was in a relationship for about two hours. That's a record, even for me! After I was stolen from him, we went to Bliss but it started pouring along the way so we went back to Soggy Dollar [where I hid from my 'boyfriend'] A lil bit after that we went to Bliss which was pretty great. Music was good, good people, couldn't complain. After leaving Bliss we got food and the females fell asleep in the backseat.

Saturday I didn't have the energy to do anything but take a shower and go back to bed. It didn't last that long because Yolz passed through. Walked straight in like the good ol' days.

Sunday I bummed around mostly, went out to dinner, which was a lil better than horrible. Went to Boathouse [I was craving Lobster Thermador..and I love theirs and Pineapple Peter's, they keep it simple] We [Daddy, mommy, Resa, Craig and I] walked in sat at the bar while they got a table together. First off the bat...No Heineken Light, No Mojito Mix, No Apple Martini's. In the end I ended up with a Cosmo which was pretty good [his hand was heavy on the liquor though]. My Lobster was pretty good, but my cheesecake was HORRIBLE! I took two bites and sent it back. No matter what I ate for appetizer or entree, I always ended the meal with cheesecake with chocolate syrup, vanilla ice cream and almonds. Last night I got funny tasting cheesecake, stale almonds and STRAWBERRY puree! I was so disappointed and pissed off that I wrote a note and handed it to the owner along with the money for the bill. There goes another old favorite.

All through dinner I thought about how much life had changed in the past year. A year ago my brother might have been at dinner with us. A year ago he might have remembered to call. A year ago it may have been a lot simpler. I really wish it were simpler. I wish I didn't have to see my brother in passing only. I know I should be old enough to look past it, but its hard to have my number one guy and not have my number two guy just the same.

After 18 years, its hard to not have both.

First off, I would like to thank my wonderful friend who has been by my side since I was four years old. Thank you Yinka for making me realize that I will be alone for the rest of my life. But it's okay, we'll be alone together.

Anyhoo, I'm exhausted. I wanted to go out tonight but I don't have the energy to venture beyond my front door tonight. Work was insane, for a while I felt like nothing had changed and I was back in my old role at TelCell. I forgot how much draining a day in that office could be. I'm tired, my eyes hurt and I just want to sleep. I had a good day.

I've been doing some thinking lately [which is rarely a good thing]  I was afraid to leave Tally behind because I was afraid to leave the people and the life I live there behind. I'd grown so attached to everything there that it was hard to let go, even for a few weeks. But the bigger question is, 'What am I going back to?'

Will the people be the same? Will my house be the same? Will the relationships I'd built be the same. Most importantly, will I be the same? These questions are really important to because ideally, I'd like Tally to be exactly how I left it. The same people [good and bad] , the same house, the same room, the same life, the same everything.

Unfortunately, being the realistic person that I am, I know that the chances of things being the same way I left them are slim to none. Change is inevitable, I just hope the change is to my benefit.

So yesterday was my mother's birthday..Whoopdie frickin hoo! Okay..maybe the sarcasm isn't completely suited in this situation but it comes naturally. The few minutes that we did spend saying two words to each other, we were arguing. I also realized that my headache was directly related to my mother. I also got her a birthday gift today. Went into town and got her something after work.

This whole thing with her birthday, arguing with her about the importance of one day in the year and then talking to Cruxx about it made me realize that I have problems with my birthday and the way it always goes.

For a few years now I've started to care less and less for birthday celebrations. It seemed like for everyone else that single day was a little better than the rest. Even if it meant just going out to dinner or getting one thing that meant something to you or being with someone that really mattered; the people around me got something. According to the laws of life: when you give to one, you must take from another. Unfortunately when it came to birthdays, I was usually the one getting things taken away. I haven't asked for anything for my birthday in about five years and this year I asked to be in Tallahassee and of course I didn't get that.

When my mother called and told me I had to be home before my birthday I was beyond upset. I pretty much begged to stay in Tally but that request was denied. Instead of the birthday I wanted, I had a birthday with myself alone at home. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I spent my birthday completely and totally alone. When I woke up that morning to a silent house I was relieved to have some peace and quiet but as the day progressed I realized that I was alone.

People make it seem like the way you spend your birthday says a lot about who you are and the life you live. Does spending my birthday alone mean that I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone? If that's the case I'm definitely going to be alone because I also spent New Year's Eve alone. Do these 'significant' events determine my future? If so, let me know now.

So its been pretty much a full year since I stopped writing on a daily basis. I could say I don't know why I stopped writing but that would be a lie. Sometime last year I got the scared. I was going through my space and I realized a lot of people took the time out to read what I write...people I didn't really want reading this. That was the very first time I wondered what people thought of what I wrote. Before that writing was just for me to figure out what was in my head...if other people were entertained my the craziness that is my life...that's a bonus. [I wonder if I should write a disclaimer for my words] But anyhoo..I have other things on my mind...like being back home...well being back on St. Maarten after being away for almost a year.

I know what you're wondering 'why did she take back the home thing.' I think 'Home' is relative. Just like the words 'here' and 'there', home can be anywhere. For a lot of people I know Da Rock still feels like home to them, even after a year away. They say that they're home right now and are going back to school in August. In my mind I think I'm on Da Rock right now and I'm going home in August. I know I know...its bad. But most of the time I don't feel like I'm 'Home' when I'm on Da Rock.

According to Dictionary.com, home is:
1. a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.
2. the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.
3. an institution for the homeless, sick, etc.: a nursing home.
4. the dwelling place or retreat of an animal.
5. the place or region where something is native or most common.
6. any place of residence or refuge: a heavenly home.
7. a person's native place or own country.

Logically speaking Da Rock fills the description of 5 and 7 [to me!]. Tally fills the description of 1 and 2. The rest are non applicable. I care more about my apartment in Tally than my house on Da Rock and summer has just reinforced that feeling.

A few days ago Kristin asked me if I missed Tally or the people that I had in Tally. It's a huge bundle of both. I rarely had a bad day in Tally. Yeah I got irritated with some people a few times but other than that everyday seemed great. Not to mention the fact that last semester was amazingly interesting.

Looking back, I'm starting to believe Cruxx's words about me running away from Da Rock. I did run away from Da Rock. It didn't really matter where I was going, as long as I wasn't here. I guess I was just lucky to run to Tally because everything turned out pretty well.

Anyhoo..today is my mother's birthday which is why I'm up so early [aside from this headache that I've head since Friday] I think the headache came from the argument I had with my mother. Either which way, I gotta get here a gift before 12. After this endeavor my wallet is gonna be on E. Oh Joy! [hopefully you can taste the sarcasm in that]