And continuing with my trip down memory lane, here's a few quotes that I found written on a sheet of paper:

• "When you make your mark in the world, watch out for the guys with erasers" - I read this in a book a really long time ago.
• "Visitors always give pleasure: if not coming, then going." - Portuguese Proverb
• "Tell me lady, were you born a bitch or did it come with your training bra and pubic hair?" - Metro Girl by Janet Evanovich [I think I took note of this because it made me laugh and think of my sarcastic/slick comments]
• "Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired" - Robert Frost [this was obviously in the time of Guy]

Today I've returned with more things of what not to do when you're in a relationship or whatever you people call them [I don't do them so I don't know what to call them

1. Do not under any circumstances write on your current's Comment Box, Wall or change your MSN name to refer to your current's ex as a prostitute and other things I refuse to taint my Space with.
2. NEVER EVER EVER post nude or suggestively nude pictures of your other half on ANY social website. Bump that...don't post them anywhere, don't even use them as you Instant Messaging display picture. I logged into Facebook two days ago and one of the stories in my News Feed was of a few of my friends commenting on a picture that looks questionable. So I clicked on the picture to see what all the talk was about and there it was. A picture of a guy taking a picture of himself in the mirror using his phone. If you just glimpsed the picture you'd think that it was just a guy without a shirt, but when I scrolled down and read some of the comments, I realized that his other half had proclaimed that he was nude [saying this nicely rather than use her words] That just reiterates the fact that pictures like that are a problem in the making. Trust no one!

Cruxx always told me that I don't give guys chances to prove that they are decent. Today I can officially say that he's right. Why would I admit to that you ask?

Phineus!
Yes I blame him, he's making me have crazy thoughts..ugh!!
So we're having a really cool conversation and then the conversation gets really interesting and my stupid mind pops this question, "Did he have this conversation with her?"

I couldn't stop the question from forming in my head and I wanted to swear and smack myself because of it. I swear I wasn't trying to put him in a negative light [and technically that wasn't a negative light...right?] Who am I kidding...you're all going to say that I have no faith in him.

Anyhoo..I spent this all of Saturday cleaning my room and just sorting through my old stuff.

Let it be known that I had a very interesting mind when I was at SDHS.
Keeping that in mind, everyday this week I'll post something from my SDHS years.

Today's post is the Limerick which was read by my vice principal at my graduation.

Up and down like an elevator
One can't guess where her mood will take her
Bubbly, bubbly Perrier
Flat dull, alone, what the hey?
Here, there, take the ride, who knows - bipolar?

It was oh so much fun explaining to my parents why the word 'bipolar' was in my limerick.
Thanks a lot Ms. Rich!

I'm posting this from my phone. I'm temporarily using a Motorola Q and it has Microsoft Office Mobile, which includes the MS Word application, so I've been writing away for the past two days and today I've finally had the chance to post it. The only thing I edited when I got home was the color of the stuff in brackets.

Well in the event that you didn't get the message, this has been Shit on Maki week. Saturday I was a teeny bit worried that Phineus was upset with me but that was sorted out and I'll blame it on paranoia. That same night I had to spend sometime around Elmo, which wasn't horrible...just a little uncomfortable.

Sunday I spent alone caught up in my own thoughts....not happy thoughts.

Monday my mother chose to raise all hell.

Tuesday I went to Subway with two coworkers and bumped into my mother [during the drive to Subway I was telling them that I wasn't speaking to her] I played the manners game, said good afternoon, finished my order and said goodbye.
I had a Doctor's appointment only to find out that he had an emergency and had to go off island. Please keep in mind that I found out when I was outside of his office and called his phone because I didn't see his car in the parking lot. Wasted trip to Cole Bay.

Wednesday I was still in a bad mood after the whole thing with my mother when I called my optician's office to confirm my Thursday appointment to get my eyes checked. Pleas keep in mind that to see this guy you have to make appointments weeks, sometimes months in advance. Keeping this in mind, I made my appointment in March...yes March when I was still in Tally. So when I called on Wednesday and was told that my appointment wasn't set and the doctor doesn't even work on Thursdays I was a little angry to say the least. I ended up calling another location where he works and begged to be squeezed in. I have to call back on Monday to see if they'll take my time constraints into consideration and let me see him

Thursday wasn't too horrible. It became official that I will be fully financially supported by my father until I get my going away check next week...which really sucks because I normally get paid by the 24th. I'm happy my dad understands why I need to ask him for money. It's a really good thing because I won't be asking my mother for anything right now. The last thing I need to do is give my mother something else to comment on.

Well..there was one good thing this week..the sunglasses I ordered got in. They're black RayBan with silver frames. I have the gold pair as well. Well right now Phineus has the gold pair [which he swears are black...wait until he sees the real black] The gold look pretty good on him so I can't argue too much.

As I write this paragraph I'm heading to Phytco to see my physical therapist to get a massage. Apparently my back is a little out of shape and has been worked out a little too much [take your mind out of the gutter] The place is pretty cool, it always smells good and the guy who's handling me is cool too. Time to head in.

Therapy session over. It wasn't as great as my first time. He said I was really super tense [I wonder why] Never the less, I enjoyed my massage, especially the heated pad on my back at the end of it all.

Homebound!

Okay...I'm pretty tired and I have to say a few things.

1. It feels good to be writing constantly like this again.
2. At least one thing will be different when I get back to Tally...not sure how I feel about it.
3. To the people that use any form of Instant Messaging Sevice, MySpace, Facebook or anything of the sort to profess their temporary "love" for someone...take it easy. It's strange...the people with the long lasting relationships may have the initials of their other half or some other small sign [I personally did the number thing] but the people who just met someone and "is in love" have oh so much to say. Like really...is that junk necessary?

Example 1: "Oh baby I love you forever and ever, you're my everything."
Example 2: Posting the names of unborn children...tacky as heck [are you even pregnant?]
Example 3: If you have to state that you're the only one in the other person's life...you really have to wonder if you're the ONLY person.
Example 4: If you've been in a relationship for less than a month..you aren't in love!
Example 5: "Two months and going strong" isn't going strong!

I've probably offended a few with this post...but you know what? Good! Get a grip and a life.

So I was reading the news on MSNBC and I came across a rather interesting story.

The headline read Dump your lover directly on voice mail. I kid you not, this really and truly is the headline of the article. Keeping in mind the fact that I love technology and I hate confrontation, this seemed right up my alley. A Boston-based company by the name of Mobile Sphere is offering the Slydial service. This service allows you to go directly to a person's voicemail and say whatever it is you want to say. You simply have to dial (267) SLY-DIAL and when the prompt comes on, you dial the number of the person's voicemail, wait a few seconds and do your thing after the beep.

Personally, I think this is great. Who wants to break up with someone or be the bearer of bad news in person? I sure as heck don't. Unfortunately, I don't have the courage to actually use my own voice to do the dirty work, but if I did, my messages would go something like this, "Hey it's Maki, I know we've been chillin for a while, but I don't really wanna do this anymore. I hope we can still be cool..hit me up. [That's the nice put down :)] Or, if you messed up, "Hey it's Maki, I'm calling it quits...in other words..gets ta steppin. [That's the leave me the heck alone version]

One lady says she uses the service to remind her clients of meetings and she also uses it to leave messages for her husband. I guess those are relatively good ideas but for business there's the phone and e-mail, for husbands there are text messages.
A perfectly great service wasted on silly things..*sigh*

Anyhoo...if you ever need to say something without having to hear the other person...use this service!

Or do it the Maki way...have a plan with Unlimited Text Messages..duh!

So I just told someone a lot more about myself than I've ever told anyone else. I'm a little freaked out now because people tend to turn honesty into a weapon. And while I am lumping this person into a category with many other people I know, I'm hoping, praying and holding my breath that my words will stay between us.

Trust is dangerous yet precious.
It is easily misplaced.
It is easily put into the hands of a friend.
Even more easily it is in the hands of an enemy.

I'd like to think that you're a friend and I haven't made this mistake that will cost me more than I can afford.

My head hurts from going down memory lane. The term 'memory lane' makes it seem so pleasant...sometimes I think visiting Hades would be less of a torture.

To Atlas...the weight of the world was never on your shoulders. You had the weight of the sky on your shoulders...you kept the sky from crashing...you kept the world alive.

OKay...there's something I desperately need to get off my chest.
No Percy...this isn't my lesbian confession..I'm very straight.

I met someone [Phineus] sometime back. At first glance Phineus seemed alright. I acknowledged his existence and that was about it. No it wasn't mean, it was more like 'oh there's another person.' Give me a break will ya? Most days I'm too far along in my own world to remember to eat much less pay attention to anyone else. Anyhoo one electrical event moved Phineus up from 'some person' to 'oh yeah..that dude' [yes, that is a step up the Maki Ladder of Importance] I guess you could say mutual friends led us to being in the same room together for more than five minutes without me writing him off [yes I do count how long I'm in the same room with someone before thinking he or she is a complete idiot and exiting] My encounters led me to think that Phineus was a nice enough guy [unlike many I'd met before.]

In the weeks that followed, I still had that good impression of Phineus. He was just one of those guys that I considered to be cool to be around, reminded me of home. I could say and do whatever and not be worried about him in more than a friendship way. That's all I really want out of life anyway..really great friends. While Phineus was in my friendship boat, there was someone else who wanted a little more than the friendship boat with him. I told that person good luck and happy hunting and placed some distance between Phineus and myself. Nobody's gonna say I'm getting in the way...maar ja. Somewhere between Valentine's Day and Spring Break Phineus said he thought I looked like an alright human being [I don't know how to accept compliments and I definitely don't know how to repeat them without sounding conceited.] Now when most people get compliments, they say thank you and that's usually the end of the conversation. I'm not most people.

After saying thanks, I asked Phineus if anything had happened between him and the friend that was interested in him [not out of nosiness but because I thought he was one of those guys that wanted to get with every friend and the friend's friend] Yes I know..it's wrong to assume the  worst of people but come on! One minute she's all caught up and the next he's telling me I look pretty decent. I dare you not to assume the worse. He said nothing happened [even though I was pretty sure something did] and for about 30 seconds after reading his text message I felt bad for asking.

About two weeks later I headed to the 954...yup...Ft. Lauderdale, Fl! Spring Break was so frickin good! Spent it with my two bestest roomies, my Buddy and their family. Everyone was so nice to me and I met some really cool people. Over Spring Break I was texting Phineus day and night which I didn't think much off cause I text everybody day and night [don't call me..text me ;)] Plus I didn't think we were on that level until he made an offer that I had to refuse.; when he made the offer I immediately thought of the 'get all the friends routine'  [we already concluded that I jump to the worst conclusion..new material please!] I felt really bad for a few days. I felt like I'd set him up for the brick wall.

After the whole Spring Break thing. In the days that flew by I went from thinking that he was just one of the many guys I was trying to avoid to thinking that he was a half decent guy...in the days that followed he moved up from half decent to pretty decent. Even though we were always on the friendship tip, I always wondered about him and her..especially when he started growing on me. Somehow we ended up doing the boy likes girl and girl likes boy thing. I liked a boy..seriously...I kid you not [to everyone who said they saw it coming...screw you..I mean that in the nicest possible way] And in true Maki style...I backed up. I started panicking and thinking of all the negatives [mostly the friend and secondly..I don't do guys..not in a lesbian way...I just don't know how to deal with the whole 'liking someone' thing..it's foreign territory]

After seriously pushing him away, I realized that I was more afraid of losing him as a friend than anything else, and I decided to let things run their course. Things were pretty great up until it was time for me to leave Tally [not my idea..strictly my mother's] I got really sick a few days before I left...did the whole throw up for two days straight..roomies wanted me to go to the Emergency Room thing. Sick enough to make serious confessions and not remember any of it. Apparently I epitomized temporary insanity or loss of inhibition. I ended up saying that I didn't believe in love or marriage, I said some stuff about my parent's relationship, my mother, Phineus and her. I went so far to say that I really liked Phineus but I thought he was all about sex and I really thought that he had something with her and chose to lie to me about it. Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard of the quote "drunken words are sober thoughts" and I didn't see much truth behind it..until it happened to me. The worst feeling in the world was the next day when my roommates told me that he took care of me. Rumor has it I was alternating between throwing up on Phineus and insulting Phineus [yes...I'm talented like that]

The things that I said were really my thoughts...but mine for me and only me. When I first starting chilling with Phineus I had to force myself to believe him when he said nothing happened, but we all know I don't really trust anyone [not even myself] But after a while, I started to believe him, partly because his actions matched his words and partly because I wanted his words to be the truth.

Two days after my episode and I'd recovered for the most part and we spoke. I can tell you...it's hard to think little of the person that stays with you even when you throw up on them. At first it wasn't that great...kinda argued a bit at first but it calmed down and he forgave me [at least I'd like to think that he did because up to this day I still feel really bad about the whole thing]  Anyhoo..I left Tally two days after recovery with us being on great terms. Two months later...I'm hoping that we're still on good terms.

In conclusion..I'm confused about a dude I named after a Disney character [I have my reasons] who didn't have anything [trying to trust the dude] with a female that I chose not to talk about [again I have my reasons]

"i figured it out, u are a control freak"

Words of Cruxx. You know what? He's right, I am a control freak. Not in that anal 'I need everything my way' kind of control freak. I just like being able to make my life go the way I want it to go. I'd like to think that if you do things the right way they would end the right way. But no, life plays tricks on you. It encourages you to do one thing only to make you run into a brick wall.

Case in point: Relationships

Relationships are all fine and dandy to look at and read about but once they become a reality, they become a problem. Don't get me wrong...I'm not completely against relationships, I'm against them when I have to be in them. I've played witness to a lot of relationships, here's my opinion:
some start great and get crappy [if the good stuff ends, why continue?]
some start crappy and end great [but is it worth the beginning crap to get to the good stuff?]
some start crappy and end crappy [who needs that much crap?]
some start great and end great [those are too hard to find]

In conclusion...only one of the above mentioned is good for my health but trying to find it may kill me.

Every once in a while I wonder what it would be like to actually be in a relationships [every once in a while I actually wonder who the guy would be] and then something happens. Poof! There goes that thought. People are so full of crap sometimes. You give them an inch and they take an entire football field. Not to mention the fact that people play games.

Case in point: Yesterday's conversation with Phineus

Phineus and I are talking all fine and dandy and then Phineus gets sarcastic and cynical. At first it came across as being kinda funny, then it got irritating. It felt like he was accusing me of something I'd done, which in turn made me feel like I'd done something wrong when it hit me that I hadn't done anything wrong. After a while I got sick of it and became kinda brutal saying go to hell and ended the conversation with "I'm done for today."

I know that it wasn't the nicest thing to do but it felt childish. If you have something to say, why not just say it? Why beat around the bush? I'd like to think that we're all old enough to say what needs to be said.

Maybe I'm wrong....maybe I'm still setting my standards too high.

Exhaustion - noun. extreme weakness or fatigue

I've been working for two weeks now and its starting to feel like two months. My social life has become even more non-existent. Its been reduced to contact with the crazy people I call my co-workers, the people that walk into the office and the people I see on the weekend [when I have the energy]

Strange enough, I like it this way. Its hard to find great people that you enjoy being around constantly [especially for me] Despite coming home most days feeling drained, I feel really lucky to have a job I like surrounded by people I like even more. Very few people have that and I hope that somewhere down the line they end up being as lucky as me.

Aside from work, life is okay I guess. I went out on Friday with Hi-me, Percy, Graci and Andy. We went to Soggy Dollar where I met this Curacaolanean guy who started telling people I was his girlfriend. I was in a relationship for about two hours. That's a record, even for me! After I was stolen from him, we went to Bliss but it started pouring along the way so we went back to Soggy Dollar [where I hid from my 'boyfriend'] A lil bit after that we went to Bliss which was pretty great. Music was good, good people, couldn't complain. After leaving Bliss we got food and the females fell asleep in the backseat.

Saturday I didn't have the energy to do anything but take a shower and go back to bed. It didn't last that long because Yolz passed through. Walked straight in like the good ol' days.

Sunday I bummed around mostly, went out to dinner, which was a lil better than horrible. Went to Boathouse [I was craving Lobster Thermador..and I love theirs and Pineapple Peter's, they keep it simple] We [Daddy, mommy, Resa, Craig and I] walked in sat at the bar while they got a table together. First off the bat...No Heineken Light, No Mojito Mix, No Apple Martini's. In the end I ended up with a Cosmo which was pretty good [his hand was heavy on the liquor though]. My Lobster was pretty good, but my cheesecake was HORRIBLE! I took two bites and sent it back. No matter what I ate for appetizer or entree, I always ended the meal with cheesecake with chocolate syrup, vanilla ice cream and almonds. Last night I got funny tasting cheesecake, stale almonds and STRAWBERRY puree! I was so disappointed and pissed off that I wrote a note and handed it to the owner along with the money for the bill. There goes another old favorite.

All through dinner I thought about how much life had changed in the past year. A year ago my brother might have been at dinner with us. A year ago he might have remembered to call. A year ago it may have been a lot simpler. I really wish it were simpler. I wish I didn't have to see my brother in passing only. I know I should be old enough to look past it, but its hard to have my number one guy and not have my number two guy just the same.

After 18 years, its hard to not have both.

First off, I would like to thank my wonderful friend who has been by my side since I was four years old. Thank you Yinka for making me realize that I will be alone for the rest of my life. But it's okay, we'll be alone together.

Anyhoo, I'm exhausted. I wanted to go out tonight but I don't have the energy to venture beyond my front door tonight. Work was insane, for a while I felt like nothing had changed and I was back in my old role at TelCell. I forgot how much draining a day in that office could be. I'm tired, my eyes hurt and I just want to sleep. I had a good day.

I've been doing some thinking lately [which is rarely a good thing]  I was afraid to leave Tally behind because I was afraid to leave the people and the life I live there behind. I'd grown so attached to everything there that it was hard to let go, even for a few weeks. But the bigger question is, 'What am I going back to?'

Will the people be the same? Will my house be the same? Will the relationships I'd built be the same. Most importantly, will I be the same? These questions are really important to because ideally, I'd like Tally to be exactly how I left it. The same people [good and bad] , the same house, the same room, the same life, the same everything.

Unfortunately, being the realistic person that I am, I know that the chances of things being the same way I left them are slim to none. Change is inevitable, I just hope the change is to my benefit.

So yesterday was my mother's birthday..Whoopdie frickin hoo! Okay..maybe the sarcasm isn't completely suited in this situation but it comes naturally. The few minutes that we did spend saying two words to each other, we were arguing. I also realized that my headache was directly related to my mother. I also got her a birthday gift today. Went into town and got her something after work.

This whole thing with her birthday, arguing with her about the importance of one day in the year and then talking to Cruxx about it made me realize that I have problems with my birthday and the way it always goes.

For a few years now I've started to care less and less for birthday celebrations. It seemed like for everyone else that single day was a little better than the rest. Even if it meant just going out to dinner or getting one thing that meant something to you or being with someone that really mattered; the people around me got something. According to the laws of life: when you give to one, you must take from another. Unfortunately when it came to birthdays, I was usually the one getting things taken away. I haven't asked for anything for my birthday in about five years and this year I asked to be in Tallahassee and of course I didn't get that.

When my mother called and told me I had to be home before my birthday I was beyond upset. I pretty much begged to stay in Tally but that request was denied. Instead of the birthday I wanted, I had a birthday with myself alone at home. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I spent my birthday completely and totally alone. When I woke up that morning to a silent house I was relieved to have some peace and quiet but as the day progressed I realized that I was alone.

People make it seem like the way you spend your birthday says a lot about who you are and the life you live. Does spending my birthday alone mean that I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone? If that's the case I'm definitely going to be alone because I also spent New Year's Eve alone. Do these 'significant' events determine my future? If so, let me know now.

So its been pretty much a full year since I stopped writing on a daily basis. I could say I don't know why I stopped writing but that would be a lie. Sometime last year I got the scared. I was going through my space and I realized a lot of people took the time out to read what I write...people I didn't really want reading this. That was the very first time I wondered what people thought of what I wrote. Before that writing was just for me to figure out what was in my head...if other people were entertained my the craziness that is my life...that's a bonus. [I wonder if I should write a disclaimer for my words] But anyhoo..I have other things on my mind...like being back home...well being back on St. Maarten after being away for almost a year.

I know what you're wondering 'why did she take back the home thing.' I think 'Home' is relative. Just like the words 'here' and 'there', home can be anywhere. For a lot of people I know Da Rock still feels like home to them, even after a year away. They say that they're home right now and are going back to school in August. In my mind I think I'm on Da Rock right now and I'm going home in August. I know I know...its bad. But most of the time I don't feel like I'm 'Home' when I'm on Da Rock.

According to Dictionary.com, home is:
1. a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.
2. the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.
3. an institution for the homeless, sick, etc.: a nursing home.
4. the dwelling place or retreat of an animal.
5. the place or region where something is native or most common.
6. any place of residence or refuge: a heavenly home.
7. a person's native place or own country.

Logically speaking Da Rock fills the description of 5 and 7 [to me!]. Tally fills the description of 1 and 2. The rest are non applicable. I care more about my apartment in Tally than my house on Da Rock and summer has just reinforced that feeling.

A few days ago Kristin asked me if I missed Tally or the people that I had in Tally. It's a huge bundle of both. I rarely had a bad day in Tally. Yeah I got irritated with some people a few times but other than that everyday seemed great. Not to mention the fact that last semester was amazingly interesting.

Looking back, I'm starting to believe Cruxx's words about me running away from Da Rock. I did run away from Da Rock. It didn't really matter where I was going, as long as I wasn't here. I guess I was just lucky to run to Tally because everything turned out pretty well.

Anyhoo..today is my mother's birthday which is why I'm up so early [aside from this headache that I've head since Friday] I think the headache came from the argument I had with my mother. Either which way, I gotta get here a gift before 12. After this endeavor my wallet is gonna be on E. Oh Joy! [hopefully you can taste the sarcasm in that]