Angel's Reality: Forwards

My Dear Wife/Husband...from Myl

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 15:00:49 GMT

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......

==========================================================
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

My Fine Is $.... from Ken

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 03:15:37 GMT

Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine.

Keep going until you've read each" offense" and added up your total fine.

When you are done, send it back to the person that sent it to you and

your other friends. Title your email "My fine is $........"

You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.

Smoked Weed - $10

Did Acid - $5

Ever had sex at church - $25

Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -$40

Had sex with someone on MySpace -$25

Had sex for money - $100

Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican - $20

Vandalized something - $20

Had sex on your parents' bed - $10

Beat up someone - $20

Been jumped - $10

Crossed dressed - $10

Given money to stripper - $25

Been in love with a stripper - $20

Kissed some one who's name you didn't know - $0.10

Hit on someone of the same sex while at work - $15

Ever drive drunk - $20

Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk - $50

Used toys while having sex - $30

Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -$20

Went skinny dipping - $5

Had sex in a pool - $20

Kissed someone of the same sex - $10

Had sex with someone of the same sex - $20

Cheated on your significant other - $10

Masturbated- $10

Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend - $20

Done oral- $5

Got oral- $5

Done /got oral in a car while it was moving - $25

Stole something - $10

Had sex with someone in jail -$25

Made a nasty home video - $15

Had a threesome - $50

Had sex in the wild - $20

Been in the same room while someone was having sex - $25

Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars - $20

Had sex with someone 10 years older - $20

Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 - $25

Been in love with two people or more at the same time - $50

Said you love someone but didn't mean it - $25

Went streaking - $5

Went streaking in broad daylight - $15

Been arrested - $5

Spent time in jail - $15

Peed in the pool - $0.50

Played spin the bottle - $5

Done something you regret - $20

Had sex with your best friend - $20

Had sex with someone you work with at work - $25

Had anal sex - $80

Lied to your mate - $5

Lied to your mate about the sex being good - $25

Tally it up your fine,

When you are done, send it back to the person that sent it to you and

your other friends. Title your email "My fine is $........" You don't

have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.

If you don't want - nobody to know;

Don't tell Nobody!!

The Pastor's A** from a Co-Worker

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 16:18:05 GMT

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind ofublicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life...

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer.

Two Choices....from Ken

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 14:23:38 GMT

What would you do? You make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn thing s as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued. "I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?" Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want
someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play,
it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning,

Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the
stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases
loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the all to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the
pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"
Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third!
Shay, run to third!"

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!" Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

"That day", said the father softly with t ears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world".

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero
of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY:

We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the "natural order of things." So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.
May your day, be a Shay Day

_______________________________________________________________

I normally don’t post such sappy stories, but this one seemed different. I guess we all have our personal disabilities and we want someone to give us a chance at complete happiness and contentment.

Sex In The Dark...From Ken

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 20:36:59 GMT

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
"You better explain yourself"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Drinking Survery..from Mikey

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 21:34:13 GMT

1. Have you ever been drunk?
Nope

2. How old were you the first time you got drunk?
Never been drunk people!

3. Have you ever gotten/given digits while intoxicated?
I get the digits babe, I don't give.

4. Have you ever 'drunk dialed'?
Nope. I'm logical, even when intoxicated

5. Have you ever been drunk in front of family members?
Lmao...No comment!!

6. Have you ever had to cover up the fact that you were drunk?
Lmao....wooiii

7. Have you ever been arrested for any alcohol-related crime?
Never!

8. Have you ever hooked-up with someone while drunk?
I wouldn't say so...

9. Ever forgot their name?
Nah

10. When was the last time you were drunk?
Never been, remember

11. Have you ever been on a drunken binge?
Nope

12. Do you need alcohol to have a good time?
Nope

13. What kind of alcohol gets you the most intoxicated?
Uhhhh....I dunno

14. Favorite liquor?
Probly Hen or Amaretto

15. Favorite beer?
Heineken or Pres

16. Have you ever woken up after a night of drinking and found out that you are STILL drunk?
Nope

17. Have you ever swam drunk?
Lmaoo...I don't think I was 'drunk'

18. What kind of a drunk are you?
Umm....normal I guess, sometimes extra happy

19. Is alcohol like "truth serum" to you?
LOL...sometimes it is

20. Favorite drinking partner?
Juliet back in the day, or Andy

21. Favorite bar?
Sunset Beach Bar!!!

22. Have you ever completely blacked out?
NO way

23. Have you ever puked from drinking?
Ughhh...hell no

24. Have you ever had the 'crying drunks'?
Nope, not my style

25. Can you still do physical activity while intoxicated?
LOL...Yes I can

26. Have you ever gotten into a drunken fight?
Nope

27. Who is the most annoying drunk that you know?
David

28. Who is the most flirtatious drunk?
I dunno

29. Do you have a drunken nickname?
I don't think so

30. Have you received a 'booty call'?
Yeah, sorta

31. Funniest drunken scene in a movie?
I dunno

32. Favorite song about drinking?
'How's My Drinking' - Guided By Voices

33. Have you ever woke up next to someone you didn't know?
Never!

34. Have you ever been hit on by someone way older than you?
Too Often

35. What's the worst 'buzz kill'?
A call from my mother or sister

36. Have you ever dated a bartender or bouncer?
Nah, but there's one that I'd like to...MARCUS!!

37. Do you ever say to yourself, "Dang, I need a drink"?
You have no idea

38. Do strangers ever buy you drinks?
Yup

39. Have you ever drank too much on a date?
Nope

40. Is there anything that you refuse to drink?
Don't think so...maybe Yaeger Bombs, not my fav

41. Have you ever been drunk on a plane?
No way...

42. Have you ever gotten drunk during the day?
LMAO...Juliet!!!

43. Have you ever had to run from the cops and leave the beer behind?
No, what kinda crazyness is that

44. What's your favorite drinking game?
Card Games are greatttt

45. Have you ever injured yourself while drunk?
Nope

46. What's the most destructive thing that has happened while you were drunk?
Nada

47. Ever been drunk at a concert?
Hmmm....never been drunk people

48. Is this survey getting too long?
Not really, It's fun, brings back memories

49. Are you ready for the last question?
SHOOT

50. Why do you drink?
I drink alcohol by accident, it just happens that my fav beverages include alcohol

About a Girl from Jerry R.

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 02:52:29 GMT

When a GIRL is quiet, Millions of things are running in her mind.

When a GIRL is not arguing, She is thinking deeply.

When a GIRL looks at you with eyes full of questions, She is wondering how long you will be around.

When a GIRL answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds, She is not at all fine.

When a GIRL stares at you, She is wondering why you are lying. When a GIRL says "I love you", She means it.

When a GIRL says "I miss you", No one in this world can miss you more than her.

Personal Thought:

If only every male knew this....

Proof That The World is Nuts...from Victor D.

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 00:55:02 GMT

Thanks to Victor for this one. Needed the laugh. By the way...how did the guy get my adres!?!?!?

Proof That The World is Nuts

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side whenintoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of .... ?)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last:

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Little Old Lady

Wed, 31 May 2006 00:16:17 GMT

THE LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT. . . (no rude comments please. :-)

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney y: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"! And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 20:34:52 GMT

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. : Bad it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

HEALTH Warning - WATER

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 23:31:40 GMT

HEALTH Warning - WATER

IT HAS BEEN SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN THAT IF WE DRINK 1 LITER OF WATER EACH
DAY, AT THE END OF THE YEAR WE WOULD HAVE ABSORBED MORE THAN 1 KILO OF
ESCHERICHIA COLI BACTERIA FOUND IN FECES, IN OTHER WORDS, WE ARE CONSUMING
1 KILO OF SHIT.

HOWEVER, WE DO NOT RUN THAT RISK WHEN DRINKING WHISKEY, RUM, BEER OR OTHER
LIQUORS BECAUSE ALCOHOL HAS TO
GO THROUGH A DISTILLATION PROCESS OF BOILING, FILTERING AND FERMENTING.

IT IS MY DUTY TO COMMUNICATE TO ALL OF YOU PEOPLE WHO ARE DRINKING WATER,
TO STOP DOING SO, IT HAS BEEN SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN THAT IT IS UNHEALTHY
AND BAD FOR YOU.

WATER = SHIT
ALCOHOL = HEALTH

FREE YOURSELF OF SHIT, DRINK ALCOHOL!!!
IT IS BETTER TO DRINK ALCOHOL AND TALK SHIT THAN TO DRINK WATER AND BE FULL
OF SHIT!

Put it together

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 14:55:52 GMT

A :You have trouble trusting people.
B : You're wild and crazy.
C : You are always fun when it comes to meeting new people.
D : You are popular with all types of people.
E : You love foreplay.
F : People totally adore you.
G : You are very friendly and understanding.
H : You have good looks and a very good personality
I : You are loved by most, hated by many, yet wanted by plenty
J : Everyone loves you.
K : You like to try new things.
L: When you smile you make other people smile.
M : Success comes easily to you.
N :You're great in bed.
O : You love life.
P : You are very friendly and understanding.
Q : You are a hypocrite.
R : You're really laid back and like to have fun.
S : People think you are so sexy.
T : You are one of the best in bed.
U : You are beautiful and sexy.
V : You are not judgmental.
W : You are very broad-minded.
X : You never let people tell you what to do.
Y : You make every experience great.
Z : You're super cool.

M : Success comes easily to you.
A :You have trouble trusting people.
K : You like to try new things.
H : You have good looks and a very good personality
I : You are loved by most, hated by many, yet wanted by plenty
C : You are always fun when it comes to meeting new people.
I : You are loved by most, hated by many, yet wanted by plenty
A :You have trouble trusting people.

Personal Thoughts....All true, especially A [thaz why I get it twice] but K is a little debateable. Oh well, nothing is perfect

Tot Straks

2006 Police Calendar (sexxy as hell jed)

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 23:55:25 GMT

The all nude police officer calendar for 2006 comes in an all-male and an all-female version. All pics show full frontal nudity, for both female and males. Just click on the menu to select which one you want to view. They are available for sale on the site, the calendars not the officers. Click on the "2006 Calendar" link below to view all 12 (24) totally nude police officers.

2006 Police Calendar

P.S. I hate HTML!

The Guy's Rules

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 23:03:03 GMT

From Dinesh

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can,
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can, to give them a bigger laugh

My Friend...

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 00:05:46 GMT

Nice one from Juliet

My Friend...

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I'll dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it can be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your sorry ass.

When you are sick, stay away from me until you are well again.
I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall, I will point and laugh at your sorry ass.
This is my oath, I pledge till the end. Why you may ask?
Because you're my friend.

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

Shit...all of da fuck happened between us!!

LOL.. ohhhh da books we could write about 'Adventures' LMAO

Oh freak up

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 23:47:07 GMT

From Thorson....agaain!!!

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot.

Who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends,
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

What if I threw this dude away?!?!?

Sign Language

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 18:30:00 GMT

Sign Language

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw and spots another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language.

He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and shouts, "What the f*ck is wrong with you, idiot?

I said I needed a handsaw!"

The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

Donkey

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 20:46:32 GMT

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW -------- Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

What Religion is Your Bra?

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 02:45:28 GMT

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

" Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

__________________________________________________________

I have done my forwarding duty...Angel's way

Sex...amazin

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 02:02:49 GMT

This is hilarious! Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I didn't change a word! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy!

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
=============

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
=============
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
=============
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
=============
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
=============
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
=============
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
=============
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
=============
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
=============
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
=============
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on.

If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.

Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.

Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true, even if you are not superstitious.

Fw: What Oprah Said About Men

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 21:38:52 GMT

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to
be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find wat makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you eserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't istreat a friend.

Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Aoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different wmen. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals..look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other women and men (just so they know)...
You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

Fw: A True Playa

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 18:10:48 GMT

One evening Red went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.

Red sat directly across from Terry's wife.

Red dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up.  When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on.

He sat up and was flushed.  He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water.

To his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchenand said "Did you like what you saw?"

Red said "Yes I did." She said "Well you can get more than that, but it will cost you $500. "

So Red thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K."
She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then."
Red said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Red came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left.

Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Red been over here today?"

She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did."

Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."

NOW THAT'S A TRUE PLAYA!!

Fw: Swearing At Work

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 02:07:15 GMT

To All Associates,

RE: SWEARING AT WORK

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases has been provided so
that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner.

1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f____ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

New way to deal with Fw

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 02:04:06 GMT

These days, everybody been sending me all sorts of Forwards...and we all know I'm too lazy to read them, much less send them around.

Sooo...I've come up with another way to make everyone happy.

I figure that if I post the good Forwards on My Space...I can make those people who believe in Forwards happy n I still get to be a lazy bum

Damn...I'm smart