Angel's Reality: Just Venting

Memory Lane Pt 2

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 01:06:44 GMT

And continuing with my trip down memory lane, here's a few quotes that I found written on a sheet of paper:

"When you make your mark in the world, watch out for the guys with erasers" - I read this in a book a really long time ago.
"Visitors always give pleasure: if not coming, then going." - Portuguese Proverb
"Tell me lady, were you born a bitch or did it come with your training bra and pubic hair?" - Metro Girl by Janet Evanovich [I think I took note of this because it made me laugh and think of my sarcastic/slick comments]
"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired" - Robert Frost [this was obviously in the time of Guy]

Memory Lane Pt 1

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 23:33:27 GMT

Cruxx always told me that I don't give guys chances to prove that they are decent. Today I can officially say that he's right. Why would I admit to that you ask?

Phineus!
Yes I blame him, he's making me have crazy thoughts..ugh!!
So we're having a really cool conversation and then the conversation gets really interesting and my stupid mind pops this question, "Did he have this conversation with her?"

I couldn't stop the question from forming in my head and I wanted to swear and smack myself because of it. I swear I wasn't trying to put him in a negative light [and technically that wasn't a negative light...right?] Who am I kidding...you're all going to say that I have no faith in him.

Anyhoo..I spent this all of Saturday cleaning my room and just sorting through my old stuff.

Let it be known that I had a very interesting mind when I was at SDHS.
Keeping that in mind, everyday this week I'll post something from my SDHS years.

Today's post is the Limerick which was read by my vice principal at my graduation.

Up and down like an elevator
One can't guess where her mood will take her
Bubbly, bubbly Perrier
Flat dull, alone, what the hey?
Here, there, take the ride, who knows - bipolar?

It was oh so much fun explaining to my parents why the word 'bipolar' was in my limerick.
Thanks a lot Ms. Rich!

Leave and never look back

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 12:46:52 GMT

Nineteen years old and the only person that can break me within minutes in my mother. This has been the story of my life for as long as I can remember [do I get points for consistency? Probably not]

Being back on The Rock this summer has made me remember why I was in such a rush to leave. I've had an amazing time with my friends. While there were a few moments of unwanted drama...it's been great. Every minute spent with them reminds me that I won't have them when Fall rolls around. If I'm not with my friends, I'm probably at work or at home.

Work...I love, the people are great, the time there is fun and I'm able to be productive and take my mind off of life for a while. If I'm not with friends or at work...I'm at home. A home I've been trying to runaway from for about five years now. When I left last year I didn't look back. I marched head first into the newest chapter of my life knowing that what lay ahead couldn't be as bad was what was behind me.

There have been times within the past where I questioned God about why I ended up the way I ended up. As much as I like to deny it, I'm soft as hell. I'm beyond fragile and the only things that keeps me in one piece are my cynicism, sarcasm, realistic view of life and most importantly...my ability to lie to myself and give people the false impression of who I really am.

So as I sit up in bed drying my tears I'm forced to remember that I can only keep up the facade for so long and it too has an expiration date. It feels like a horrible case of Déjà vu. I'm not really the emotional or crying type because I think both are weaknesses and people use your weaknesses to hurt you. Unfortunately...my mother is my weakness and I've cried because of her more times than I can remember. She has this gift of saying everything I think of myself. She makes me realize that I'm not the person I want to be and I probably never will be.

I don't understand why other people's words never get to me and her words hurt more than anything else. I try not to think about it but I know I'm at fault, I don't really think I'm the ideal daughter anyone would ask for. Let's all be honest here [I'm trying to be] I'm not really great daughter material, some days I'm not good people material. I treat most people and situations with my signature indifference and I don't know how to say what I feel. The worst part is that I don't know how not to care. "I don't care," three simple words that I use often yet still I can't practice them. If I did practice them I wouldn't be in my current predicament.

About three weeks or so my mother decided she wanted to order some clothes online, I told her if she deposited the money on my account [I'd pretty much withdrawn everything from my BOFA account because of the serious ATM fees and stuff...$5 to withdraw money if I used my BOFA card..no thank you] I'd use my card to buy the stuff because a lot of websites don't accept international cards. I'm not a big fan of the idea of looking at a computer screen while another person goos and gaas at shoes and clothes [yes they're nice or no they look like crap...that's as far as I can go] Keeping this in mind, I told her to just put everything into the bags and I'd pay for them all at once. Wednesday, right before I left to go out she tells me she wants to order the stuff now. I was a lil irritated that she chose that moment but I said okay. I called Graciella and told her I'd be running a little late because I was helping my mom out with something. Order placed, confirmation e-mails received, account hit and I left.

Thursday morning, I received an email saying that the order to New York and Co. had been canceled because my card couldn't be authorized. First thought..what the heck?! I called them later that afternoon and was told that the order was canceled because it was placed outside of the U.S. I said thank you, hung up and explained to my mother why it had been canceled. She said okay...she'd order some shoes instead. Today I come home and she asks me about the order that had gone through...I said I didn't know. She huffed and walked away, then she she said she was ready to order the shoes....I said no problem, as soon as the Internet was back up [which seems reasonable to me] Again she huffed and said okay. The huffing irritated me but I kept it to myself [as usual] and came back to my room. A few minutes later she called me and I went to her, she wanted help with this Excel thing, again no problem. I helped her out, she said she understood and I went back to my room and my music. About an hour later I hear her saying "she has a nasty attitude" so I muted my music and listened, only to hear her ranting about me to my sister saying how crappy of a person I am.

This about sums it up:
I have a nasty attitude
I treat people like crap
I treat her like a dog
I only care about myself
I treat her like nothing compared to how I treat my father

Well....she may be right. I do have a crappy attitude. I have a bleak view of reality because life's been not so great to me a lot of times and even though I try not to complain many days I'm forced to wonder why. I don't know if I care about myself so I can't really comment on that one. Yes I do have a better relationship with my father, mostly because he's never made me cry because of the things he's said to me. He's the type of person I want [probably never will] be.

I spoke to my sister about why my mother was ranting. I said "I don't care" a few times and she reminded me that I do. She also blamed me for always staying quiet when this stuff happens [I'm a horrible person when I stay quiet...imagine what I'd be called if I actually spoke] I told her I wanted to go back to Tally, she said I should if I'm hurting this badly. I told her I don't want to come back, she said I only have one mother and I can't turn my back on her. I said I'd only come back for my father, she said that's reason enough. She told me they were just words, I told her they were words I would never say to someone I cared about. She told me I needed to get thick skin, I told her I needed to leave, she said "buy your ticket and leave."

Is buying a ticket and leaving my only solution? Buy a ticket, leave and never look back?

Atlas

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 03:26:49 GMT

So I just told someone a lot more about myself than I've ever told anyone else. I'm a little freaked out now because people tend to turn honesty into a weapon. And while I am lumping this person into a category with many other people I know, I'm hoping, praying and holding my breath that my words will stay between us.

Trust is dangerous yet precious.
It is easily misplaced.
It is easily put into the hands of a friend.
Even more easily it is in the hands of an enemy.

I'd like to think that you're a friend and I haven't made this mistake that will cost me more than I can afford.

My head hurts from going down memory lane. The term 'memory lane' makes it seem so pleasant...sometimes I think visiting Hades would be less of a torture.

To Atlas...the weight of the world was never on your shoulders. You had the weight of the sky on your shoulders...you kept the sky from crashing...you kept the world alive.

Introducing Phineus

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 23:27:24 GMT

OKay...there's something I desperately need to get off my chest.
No Percy...this isn't my lesbian confession..I'm very straight.

I met someone [Phineus] sometime back. At first glance Phineus seemed alright. I acknowledged his existence and that was about it. No it wasn't mean, it was more like 'oh there's another person.' Give me a break will ya? Most days I'm too far along in my own world to remember to eat much less pay attention to anyone else. Anyhoo one electrical event moved Phineus up from 'some person' to 'oh yeah..that dude' [yes, that is a step up the Maki Ladder of Importance] I guess you could say mutual friends led us to being in the same room together for more than five minutes without me writing him off [yes I do count how long I'm in the same room with someone before thinking he or she is a complete idiot and exiting] My encounters led me to think that Phineus was a nice enough guy [unlike many I'd met before.]

In the weeks that followed, I still had that good impression of Phineus. He was just one of those guys that I considered to be cool to be around, reminded me of home. I could say and do whatever and not be worried about him in more than a friendship way. That's all I really want out of life anyway..really great friends. While Phineus was in my friendship boat, there was someone else who wanted a little more than the friendship boat with him. I told that person good luck and happy hunting and placed some distance between Phineus and myself. Nobody's gonna say I'm getting in the way...maar ja. Somewhere between Valentine's Day and Spring Break Phineus said he thought I looked like an alright human being [I don't know how to accept compliments and I definitely don't know how to repeat them without sounding conceited.] Now when most people get compliments, they say thank you and that's usually the end of the conversation. I'm not most people.

After saying thanks, I asked Phineus if anything had happened between him and the friend that was interested in him [not out of nosiness but because I thought he was one of those guys that wanted to get with every friend and the friend's friend] Yes I know..it's wrong to assume the worst of people but come on! One minute she's all caught up and the next he's telling me I look pretty decent. I dare you not to assume the worse. He said nothing happened [even though I was pretty sure something did] and for about 30 seconds after reading his text message I felt bad for asking.

About two weeks later I headed to the 954...yup...Ft. Lauderdale, Fl! Spring Break was so frickin good! Spent it with my two bestest roomies, my Buddy and their family. Everyone was so nice to me and I met some really cool people. Over Spring Break I was texting Phineus day and night which I didn't think much off cause I text everybody day and night [don't call me..text me ;)] Plus I didn't think we were on that level until he made an offer that I had to refuse.; when he made the offer I immediately thought of the 'get all the friends routine' [we already concluded that I jump to the worst conclusion..new material please!] I felt really bad for a few days. I felt like I'd set him up for the brick wall.

After the whole Spring Break thing. In the days that flew by I went from thinking that he was just one of the many guys I was trying to avoid to thinking that he was a half decent guy...in the days that followed he moved up from half decent to pretty decent. Even though we were always on the friendship tip, I always wondered about him and her..especially when he started growing on me. Somehow we ended up doing the boy likes girl and girl likes boy thing. I liked a boy..seriously...I kid you not [to everyone who said they saw it coming...screw you..I mean that in the nicest possible way] And in true Maki style...I backed up. I started panicking and thinking of all the negatives [mostly the friend and secondly..I don't do guys..not in a lesbian way...I just don't know how to deal with the whole 'liking someone' thing..it's foreign territory]

After seriously pushing him away, I realized that I was more afraid of losing him as a friend than anything else, and I decided to let things run their course. Things were pretty great up until it was time for me to leave Tally [not my idea..strictly my mother's] I got really sick a few days before I left...did the whole throw up for two days straight..roomies wanted me to go to the Emergency Room thing. Sick enough to make serious confessions and not remember any of it. Apparently I epitomized temporary insanity or loss of inhibition. I ended up saying that I didn't believe in love or marriage, I said some stuff about my parent's relationship, my mother, Phineus and her. I went so far to say that I really liked Phineus but I thought he was all about sex and I really thought that he had something with her and chose to lie to me about it. Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard of the quote "drunken words are sober thoughts" and I didn't see much truth behind it..until it happened to me. The worst feeling in the world was the next day when my roommates told me that he took care of me. Rumor has it I was alternating between throwing up on Phineus and insulting Phineus [yes...I'm talented like that]

The things that I said were really my thoughts...but mine for me and only me. When I first starting chilling with Phineus I had to force myself to believe him when he said nothing happened, but we all know I don't really trust anyone [not even myself] But after a while, I started to believe him, partly because his actions matched his words and partly because I wanted his words to be the truth.

Two days after my episode and I'd recovered for the most part and we spoke. I can tell you...it's hard to think little of the person that stays with you even when you throw up on them. At first it wasn't that great...kinda argued a bit at first but it calmed down and he forgave me [at least I'd like to think that he did because up to this day I still feel really bad about the whole thing] Anyhoo..I left Tally two days after recovery with us being on great terms. Two months later...I'm hoping that we're still on good terms.

In conclusion..I'm confused about a dude I named after a Disney character [I have my reasons] who didn't have anything [trying to trust the dude] with a female that I chose not to talk about [again I have my reasons]

How old are we?

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 00:38:34 GMT

"i figured it out, u are a control freak"

Words of Cruxx. You know what? He's right, I am a control freak. Not in that anal 'I need everything my way' kind of control freak. I just like being able to make my life go the way I want it to go. I'd like to think that if you do things the right way they would end the right way. But no, life plays tricks on you. It encourages you to do one thing only to make you run into a brick wall.

Case in point: Relationships

Relationships are all fine and dandy to look at and read about but once they become a reality, they become a problem. Don't get me wrong...I'm not completely against relationships, I'm against them when I have to be in them. I've played witness to a lot of relationships, here's my opinion:
some start great and get crappy [if the good stuff ends, why continue?]
some start crappy and end great [but is it worth the beginning crap to get to the good stuff?]
some start crappy and end crappy [who needs that much crap?]
some start great and end great [those are too hard to find]

In conclusion...only one of the above mentioned is good for my health but trying to find it may kill me.

Every once in a while I wonder what it would be like to actually be in a relationships [every once in a while I actually wonder who the guy would be] and then something happens. Poof! There goes that thought. People are so full of crap sometimes. You give them an inch and they take an entire football field. Not to mention the fact that people play games.

Case in point: Yesterday's conversation with Phineus

Phineus and I are talking all fine and dandy and then Phineus gets sarcastic and cynical. At first it came across as being kinda funny, then it got irritating. It felt like he was accusing me of something I'd done, which in turn made me feel like I'd done something wrong when it hit me that I hadn't done anything wrong. After a while I got sick of it and became kinda brutal saying go to hell and ended the conversation with "I'm done for today."

I know that it wasn't the nicest thing to do but it felt childish. If you have something to say, why not just say it? Why beat around the bush? I'd like to think that we're all old enough to say what needs to be said.

Maybe I'm wrong....maybe I'm still setting my standards too high.

It's hard to not have both

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 00:26:05 GMT

Exhaustion - noun. extreme weakness or fatigue

I've been working for two weeks now and its starting to feel like two months. My social life has become even more non-existent. Its been reduced to contact with the crazy people I call my co-workers, the people that walk into the office and the people I see on the weekend [when I have the energy]

Strange enough, I like it this way. Its hard to find great people that you enjoy being around constantly [especially for me] Despite coming home most days feeling drained, I feel really lucky to have a job I like surrounded by people I like even more. Very few people have that and I hope that somewhere down the line they end up being as lucky as me.

Aside from work, life is okay I guess. I went out on Friday with Hi-me, Percy, Graci and Andy. We went to Soggy Dollar where I met this Curacaolanean guy who started telling people I was his girlfriend. I was in a relationship for about two hours. That's a record, even for me! After I was stolen from him, we went to Bliss but it started pouring along the way so we went back to Soggy Dollar [where I hid from my 'boyfriend'] A lil bit after that we went to Bliss which was pretty great. Music was good, good people, couldn't complain. After leaving Bliss we got food and the females fell asleep in the backseat.

Saturday I didn't have the energy to do anything but take a shower and go back to bed. It didn't last that long because Yolz passed through. Walked straight in like the good ol' days.

Sunday I bummed around mostly, went out to dinner, which was a lil better than horrible. Went to Boathouse [I was craving Lobster Thermador..and I love theirs and Pineapple Peter's, they keep it simple] We [Daddy, mommy, Resa, Craig and I] walked in sat at the bar while they got a table together. First off the bat...No Heineken Light, No Mojito Mix, No Apple Martini's. In the end I ended up with a Cosmo which was pretty good [his hand was heavy on the liquor though]. My Lobster was pretty good, but my cheesecake was HORRIBLE! I took two bites and sent it back. No matter what I ate for appetizer or entree, I always ended the meal with cheesecake with chocolate syrup, vanilla ice cream and almonds. Last night I got funny tasting cheesecake, stale almonds and STRAWBERRY puree! I was so disappointed and pissed off that I wrote a note and handed it to the owner along with the money for the bill. There goes another old favorite.

All through dinner I thought about how much life had changed in the past year. A year ago my brother might have been at dinner with us. A year ago he might have remembered to call. A year ago it may have been a lot simpler. I really wish it were simpler. I wish I didn't have to see my brother in passing only. I know I should be old enough to look past it, but its hard to have my number one guy and not have my number two guy just the same.

After 18 years, its hard to not have both.

Change

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 00:56:56 GMT

First off, I would like to thank my wonderful friend who has been by my side since I was four years old. Thank you Yinka for making me realize that I will be alone for the rest of my life. But it's okay, we'll be alone together.

Anyhoo, I'm exhausted. I wanted to go out tonight but I don't have the energy to venture beyond my front door tonight. Work was insane, for a while I felt like nothing had changed and I was back in my old role at TelCell. I forgot how much draining a day in that office could be. I'm tired, my eyes hurt and I just want to sleep. I had a good day.

I've been doing some thinking lately [which is rarely a good thing] I was afraid to leave Tally behind because I was afraid to leave the people and the life I live there behind. I'd grown so attached to everything there that it was hard to let go, even for a few weeks. But the bigger question is, 'What am I going back to?'

Will the people be the same? Will my house be the same? Will the relationships I'd built be the same. Most importantly, will I be the same? These questions are really important to because ideally, I'd like Tally to be exactly how I left it. The same people [good and bad] , the same house, the same room, the same life, the same everything.

Unfortunately, being the realistic person that I am, I know that the chances of things being the same way I left them are slim to none. Change is inevitable, I just hope the change is to my benefit.

I have a problem with Birthdays

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 02:02:23 GMT

So yesterday was my mother's birthday..Whoopdie frickin hoo! Okay..maybe the sarcasm isn't completely suited in this situation but it comes naturally. The few minutes that we did spend saying two words to each other, we were arguing. I also realized that my headache was directly related to my mother. I also got her a birthday gift today. Went into town and got her something after work.

This whole thing with her birthday, arguing with her about the importance of one day in the year and then talking to Cruxx about it made me realize that I have problems with my birthday and the way it always goes.

For a few years now I've started to care less and less for birthday celebrations. It seemed like for everyone else that single day was a little better than the rest. Even if it meant just going out to dinner or getting one thing that meant something to you or being with someone that really mattered; the people around me got something. According to the laws of life: when you give to one, you must take from another. Unfortunately when it came to birthdays, I was usually the one getting things taken away. I haven't asked for anything for my birthday in about five years and this year I asked to be in Tallahassee and of course I didn't get that.

When my mother called and told me I had to be home before my birthday I was beyond upset. I pretty much begged to stay in Tally but that request was denied. Instead of the birthday I wanted, I had a birthday with myself alone at home. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I spent my birthday completely and totally alone. When I woke up that morning to a silent house I was relieved to have some peace and quiet but as the day progressed I realized that I was alone.

People make it seem like the way you spend your birthday says a lot about who you are and the life you live. Does spending my birthday alone mean that I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone? If that's the case I'm definitely going to be alone because I also spent New Year's Eve alone. Do these 'significant' events determine my future? If so, let me know now.

Reality Check

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 12:00:28 GMT

So its been pretty much a full year since I stopped writing on a daily basis. I could say I don't know why I stopped writing but that would be a lie. Sometime last year I got the scared. I was going through my space and I realized a lot of people took the time out to read what I write...people I didn't really want reading this. That was the very first time I wondered what people thought of what I wrote. Before that writing was just for me to figure out what was in my head...if other people were entertained my the craziness that is my life...that's a bonus. [I wonder if I should write a disclaimer for my words] But anyhoo..I have other things on my mind...like being back home...well being back on St. Maarten after being away for almost a year.

I know what you're wondering 'why did she take back the home thing.' I think 'Home' is relative. Just like the words 'here' and 'there', home can be anywhere. For a lot of people I know Da Rock still feels like home to them, even after a year away. They say that they're home right now and are going back to school in August. In my mind I think I'm on Da Rock right now and I'm going home in August. I know I know...its bad. But most of the time I don't feel like I'm 'Home' when I'm on Da Rock.

According to Dictionary.com, home is:
1. a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.
2. the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.
3. an institution for the homeless, sick, etc.: a nursing home.
4. the dwelling place or retreat of an animal.
5. the place or region where something is native or most common.
6. any place of residence or refuge: a heavenly home.
7. a person's native place or own country.

Logically speaking Da Rock fills the description of 5 and 7 [to me!]. Tally fills the description of 1 and 2. The rest are non applicable. I care more about my apartment in Tally than my house on Da Rock and summer has just reinforced that feeling.

A few days ago Kristin asked me if I missed Tally or the people that I had in Tally. It's a huge bundle of both. I rarely had a bad day in Tally. Yeah I got irritated with some people a few times but other than that everyday seemed great. Not to mention the fact that last semester was amazingly interesting.

Looking back, I'm starting to believe Cruxx's words about me running away from Da Rock. I did run away from Da Rock. It didn't really matter where I was going, as long as I wasn't here. I guess I was just lucky to run to Tally because everything turned out pretty well.

Anyhoo..today is my mother's birthday which is why I'm up so early [aside from this headache that I've head since Friday] I think the headache came from the argument I had with my mother. Either which way, I gotta get here a gift before 12. After this endeavor my wallet is gonna be on E. Oh Joy! [hopefully you can taste the sarcasm in that]

First of I don't know how many...

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 04:16:54 GMT

Here I am again. I think for a while there I lost the ability to write; I wanted to but the words just never came to me [a lot of my conversations have been that way as well lately.] I started like four times but just cut it short and said maybe I'd grown out of the writing thing. I'm trying to go down this road again and hopefully at least complete this one.

For a while now I've been wondering if doing this is even a good idea. There was a time when I'd actually use pen and paper [yes, there was a time when I wasn't glued to a computer.] Pen and paper is a probably a lot safer, wiser and closer to sane [a lot of things that I'm not.]

Would it be amazing if I said deep rooted frustration brought me back to writing? There, I said it...I'm frustrated. No, not academically or anything even related to school [I can deal with that type of frustration.] I'm frustrated with people. People who say things and then do things that contradict their words, people who do things and then act like it doesn't matter or people who just close their eyes to everything else. People who you'd think know you but miss the big, flashing neon signs. People who just continue to do things that make you want to ask yourself why. Yup...that is the basis of my current state of mind that keeps me up at night; the reason that I'm writing with hopes of a night of undisturbed sleep with a clear mind. *sigh*

OKay...so I've just read what I just wrote and realized that I'm a hypocrite. We all do things that rub others the wrong way, some of us do it on purpose, some do it to avoid certain situations and others don't even realize that they do it....but it still hurts like hell when you're on the receiving end.

Question of the day...When do you walk away from the people that cause the frustration? Even more importantly...what do you do when you can't walk away from those people?

Bad Dreams

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 05:53:27 GMT

I've been having bad dreams lately.

All with the same ending...I lose the people that I care about the most.

Two nights ago it was terrible, I dreamt that my Dad died in my arms.

It felt so real, when I woke up I wanted to cry.

I know that dreams are basically are basically the bi-product of your Subconscious taking over but I hate it.

I hate not having control of where my mind takes me.

I hate the fact that my stupid subconscience makes me feel like crap against my will.

I probably sound like an ass for trying to fight something that I can't control but it hurts to have one of your biggest fears play out in your mind like that.

I think I'm just gonna try to think of something else when I'm going to bed.

Hi There

Thu, 10 May 2007 02:52:06 GMT

Helllloooo world! Yes I know it's been like forever since I've actually wrote anything. I feel a lil ashamed but in my own defense I've been insanely busy. Last time I was here was to just post pix. Since then I've been continuing with TelCell and the TopUp business..very proud of myself where that is concerned.

Also busted my ass during and before Carnival. Especially during. This was my last Carnival for a while. I love Carnival, it is without a doubt my favorite time of year, but this year didn't seem like the previous ones. It was filled with extra work, fights with revellers and even committee members. There were a few times when I was even looking over my shoulder. I got into a few scuffles, made it thru the two weeks in one piece which is good news in itself. The shows were all pretty good.

Pageants were all smooth, minus one lil slipup maar ja, good overall, Calypso was sweet as usual, Road March ended with a mic being thrown into the crowd, a fight backstage, and a guy being carted off my Police, Latin night was cool, Soca night was gooodddd OMG, Zouk night was great [Kassav, Carimi, Krazy Muzik...amazing I tell you], Morgan Heritage...no words can describe jed. Singing and dancing in the rain was like walkin on cloud nine. Buju did what he had to do [the show was pretty good, even with Police threatened to pull a guy off stage {Love my Dream Team}], Young Joc was over-rated and Vegas put on a decent show.

Jou'vert started off friggin perfect! Went backwards, it rained around Madame Estate, and fire hydrant burst so you know people were jumpin around in the rain. We were all havin a ball until the alcohol and sun started to settle on some people and made them total and complete ASSES. Had some guy in my face, another climb onto the front of the truck and another I had to rush for pushin another member. I think I saw red when the last guy pushed the other member. One minute we were all smilin the next things just changed up. Right then and there I started to wonder why I joined and chose to stay on the committee.

Aside from the work aspect. I met a guy. Well I didn't really meet him, knew him from before. He was pretty cool but get this.

I like the guy who is the brother of my best friend's ex girlfriend, he's also the employee of a guy who hits on me, whose son used to hit on me, whose mother works across the hall, whose sister-in-law tried to frig up my life, whose friend thought I was dealing with my best friend. [I just thought of making it a round cirlce at the end....but trust me the degrees of seperation could go on for daysss]

Which brings me back to something I've been preaching...Da Rock is wayyy to small!! In the words of Mobb Deep.."I Gotta Get Away".

Reality Check

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 01:33:13 GMT

Oh so exhausted. Going to bed right now. Carnival is right around the corner! Extremely happy about that. One thing I've always loved about St. Maarten is Carnival.

My mom wants me to celebrate my birthday this year, I dunno.

I don't really like my birthday, falls high on the top 20 crappiest days in my year.

I'll have to think about that long and hard...I'll probably have an idea by July.

I know I didn't say much about Regatta weekend, but then again, what is there to say? Let me seeee.

Friday was pretty cool on the Boardwalk.

Chillin on the water on Saturday was cool! Especially since I finally got to meet Mr. NeoStream up close [I really do love your work]

Saturday night in Marigot was INSANE!! Oh hell...I left home well dressed, got back home looking like I had been thru a war and WITHOUT shoes!

Sunday was a nice chill out on the beach. Orange Grove was exactly as I'd hoped, the Marley brothers did their thing.

I had good people around me alll the time Jerome, Jamie, Reena, Max, Bianca, Natasha, Graci, Nathalie, Nini, Myl, Nitesh, Ahsaan, Daisy, Avi, Dylan and the entire gang made it a damn good Regatta!

I Love You people!

I'm still recovering...

Have you ever felt like you're always seeing someone but not sure why? I've been getting that feeling lately...and I kinda like it.

In the near future I see life getting kinda interesting [HOPEFULLY, gotta try to keep up con mi Corazon]

I feel kinda bad, someone tried to seach Google for their msn space and the only result was mine.

Anyhoo...gotta run away from reality for a while.

Oh sooo good!!

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 00:22:56 GMT

Ohhhh...so sleepy!

But hungry too!! Waiting for someone to bring me SubWay...**sigh**

Speaking of hungry, I've been eating alot lately nuh I dunno why. I'm eating breakfast almost EVERYDAY which is something I rarely did. And I have to eat by 2 cuz I'll be thinking about food the rest of the day.

And exhaustion! Sleeping alot too.

Gotta make sure I have my strength for this weekend cuz it's Regatta Weekend Baby!!

Oh yeah...it's that time again....best weekend of my year probably.

Three days of straight fun fun fun....I LOVE IT!

ORANGE GROVE is gonna be here!! Yeahhh meng!!

Lent

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 21:51:33 GMT

Well.. Today is Ash Wednesday..first day of lent. I've been debating what I should give up.

Best thing would probably alcohol but I dunno

Any Suggestions?

Aaaaa......Blah!

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 03:08:57 GMT

I've had some stuff on my mind lately. More than I'd like to admit actually.

I've always been able to walk away from a situation,, shut people out or even shut myself out when I had to.

My only weaknesses were my family and my own self-confidence [or lack there of]

Until a few weeks ago.

I have these thoughts and feelings running thru me that I can't seem to shake, no matter what I do.

A part of me resents the other person for making me feel this way and I resent myself for letting the person affect me this way.

Why is it that I could control every single emotion I had concerning the world except those concerning one single, irritating person.

These are the reasons why people do insane things sometimes.

Sheer frustration, anger and bitterness.

Maar ja...such is life right?

I'm going to sleep...hopefully DreamLand is more peaceful

P.S. To the Jimmy that I spoke to and hung up on..SORRY!

The Weekend

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 17:07:04 GMT

I was really looking forward to this weekend, hoped it would have been great. Instead it wasn't that great.

Friday was pretty good...went to the lingerie show after work, chilled with some co-workers, Jamie n Jerome. I had a glass of White Zin which prompted Jamie to bet FIFTY buxx that I couldn't go without alcohol on Saturday...you owe me FIFTY buxx girlie!

Saturday, woke up, bummed around...finally got up, went to Town. Bought the gift I had to buy, bought a blouse from Bianci's [the Purple one I wore] and a pair of skinny jeans from Levi's...also worn last night.

Dinner at Paris Bistro was pretty good...the company was better than the food. Too much dressing on the salad and over cooked lobster...[sigh]

After dinner went to Bliss, that's where my mood died. I think I have a 'Come hit on me sign' on my forehead. The amount of guys that tried to pick me up was irritating. Yes, it is a sign of flattery but whatever! And there were two dudes, both friends that just didn't pick up the sign that I wasn't feeling it. Ughhhh!!

One of the few good things was seeing people I haven't seen in a while, chilling with one of my uncles and Mr. VKS/RST [Reena...I likin it!..loll]

I was thinking that the next dude may be Japanese...but it may be Indian instead...heeheee

Anyhoo...I'm gonna go find breakfast...hopefully I don't have to make it

Hahahaha...wooiiiii

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 20:34:08 GMT

TAURUS

Thursday, February 8, 2007

(Tomorrow)

You will finally feel good about partnership possibilities. Passion is emphasized today, and the pursuit of a loving relationship is made easier. Stand your ground about the basic level of commitment required.

Hmmm...making me think

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 12:57:21 GMT

TAURUS

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

(Tomorrow)

You desperately need the opinion of others today. A big decision about the direction your life is taking has arrived. You should find today to be one of the best times to hook up with a partner, soulmate or good friend.

Happy!

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 16:29:09 GMT

This has been a nice quiet, uneventful weekend.

First off..this weekend's movies.

John Tucker Must Die...siick movie jed!! I loved it! When I first saw the trailer wth Ashanti as a cheerleader I thought it would be your average High School movie...but DAMN was I wrong! These chicks were insan...the entire movie was insane!! 5 stars...Good Comedy and Acting!

Second...The Covenant. Again the trailer made it seem like some Organization was coming after the dudes. But again I was wrong!! From start to finish I was into this movie, my mind didn't drift once! 4.5 stars...Great Storyline and Siick Plots!

Then I went out for a bit...That was nice. Just sat down and let the world pass me by [with a six inch crab on Italian, 2 Macadamian cookies and a Sprite in hand] Ohhh it was soo nice. Also realized that chicks give me some messed up looks...I dunno why. Maar ja...that's life.

____________________________________________________________________

We all know, I'm not a big fan of Lifetime but there's this show Gay, Straight Or Taken....and it's sooo Good!! It's freaking hilarious. My Mommy is amazed that I'm watching Lifetime, but this is not your regular sappy Lifetime show. I've ben laughing for the last hour...oh I Likey!

____________________________________________________________________

OOOhhhhhhh...they're turning four Nora Roberts' books into movies! Yay!!

____________________________________________________________________

Today is Game Day Baby!!

Anyhooo...back to Gay Straight Or Taken!

In My Mind!

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 00:05:14 GMT

Today was better than yesterday, didn't feel as crappy as I did yesterday which is goood!!

Ummm....had a Carnival Committee meeting last night, I forgot how much I missed SCDF!! Oh boy!! Just thinking about Carnival makes me smile! Lol...Yes Chuck, I know, I don't have a life...lol.

I've been having some strange dreams lately. One involved me attacking a co-worker and I mean attacking, waiting til she went to bed and all to terrorize her..FREAKY!!

The other involved Elmo and a good female friend. And me ending my relationship with that female friend. I normally throw my dreams away but this one was sooo detailed that it had me thinking....then again maybe it's just my twisted imagination going wild.

Then there's the game on Sunday...Patriots vs Colts. Two great teams! What a match up. I respect both teams soooo much. Of course I want the Patriots to win but I wouldn't be too upset if the Colts won. Peyton is a good player and he wants to kick ass. Maar ja...I have faith in Bill, Tom, Tedy and the guys... [hopefully this works out in my favor]

Listening to some Antiyano right now, it sucks but it seems like the future generations may not have this kind of music. You go to a party these days it's pure Rap, Dancehall, R&B, Reggae, Reggaeton, Soca hopefully some Zouk and maybe one Claudius Philips track. But the bands like Control and Gio Fuertisimo that is music!! That's your chance to hold the chick/dude real close, whisper something in the ear, see if you guys can move together.....[remember those days Stephen lol...we gotta teach them!]

These kids these days can't dance Bachata, Merengue some can do a lil one, two to Zouk but it stops there!

Mannn...I gettin vex just thinkin bout it! Chuuupssss...goin order a pizza jed.

P.S. I apologize to Cruxx in advance for my spelling errors that I probably made in this one...BLAH! lol

...

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 04:04:18 GMT

Today was hard. Had everything gone as planned I would have been in Tampa today, probably at my first class.

The fact that I was at my desk at TelCell instead was depressing. I was ready to quit my job, quit life actually. One of my co-workers who had been on vacation from mid-December was shocked to see me, when he asked me what I was doing there I was ready to cry.

I held it in about 2 minutes before I felt the first tear.

It's hard to work towards a goal and then have it ripped away from you. I know that I laugh and joke about all the crap that I've gone thru with USF but at the end of the day, it hurts like hell and today it finally all set in. Strangely, I feel like I deserve the internal battle that I'm facing, maybe I screwed up somewhere else and this is what I get in return.

I still feel like crying about it but I'm trying to hold it in.

January is only half way thru and I've been in an accident, been to the hospital twice, lost and re-gained feeling in my left arm, cried of physical pain when I thought I was about to lose my arm, cried because I hate where I am in my life.

I think Cruxx is right [hate to admit it] but years of brushing everything off, playing tough and just holding everything in is finally making me crash and burn.

The only thing that makes me feel decent is Carnival, I feel productive in that one area of my life.

I think I give up for now...no fighting destiny, if I'm meant to fail, I guess I'll fail.

Maki Likey!

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 22:00:10 GMT

You know that corny line about "The best way to forget one love is to get another"

I never believed it...until today!

Bummed off of my mom today for lunch. Was planning on going to Taloula's but KFC was closer so we went there. As soon as I walked in I saw two guys. One with blonde hair and the other with black hair and blue eyes. [YES Black hair and Blue Eyes!]

My my...how time stopped.

Walking toward the counter I kept looking over my shoulder. The dude was gorgeous!!

Blue jeans and an orange shirt.....and those eyes.

He stared so of course I stared in return, his friend was just laughing at us...[movie moment!]

But he looked like a tourist **sigh**.

My Problem with guys.....either Gay, Straight, Taken, Asshole or Tourist.

Oh yeah and I've been seeing Mr. Dreamy alot lately. Remember the guy that I asked to go to prom with me but had a girlfriend at the time. What I'm pretty straight forward with guys I don't know...heehee.

Sad part...I'd go out with him, but I don't think I can..wish I could explain

Anyhoo...thank God for today's Eye Candy!

I Hate Females!

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 02:21:28 GMT

I freakin hate hate hate hate females.

Yes I'm quite aware that I was born a female but damn I hate them. I understand why guys say women are the root of all evil.

It's like I'm too angry to even find the words. Feel like I should be in the gym or out running but I doubt that's gonna happen at 10:30 pm.

Dammit to hell....

....

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 01:11:04 GMT

I'd like someone to explain why I feel so lonely.

I miss the people that mean the most to me.

I miss Rae so much, words can't describe. This Christmas makes a year since I last saw him. I miss sitting in school and just talking crap for hours or just being able to talk to him about anything. I miss bailing eachother out, or hiding from guys or chicks with each other [last Christmas was insane!!] I miss talking to girls for him. I just miss everything about the idiot. Yeah I miss you Jerkoff...feel special.

Aside from that idiot, I miss My Honey Bunches of Oats. I miss hearing your voice, I miss the days and nights when you'd calm me down by singing to me. I miss crying with you. I think you've seen me cry more than anyone else. I miss sitting on steps and just leaning on each other talking about anything...from food to showers to life. I swear, you make me want to move to Holland. I think I see myself in you so much, but it doesn't scare me, it's actually so comforting. Hanan...I Miss You. It's as simple as that.

I miss Guy....take your heads out of the gutter. He was a good friend [when we weren't thinking of killing each other] I think he changed me into the person I am today. If it wasn't for all the crap we went thru, I wouldn't be the person I am today and I have to thank him for that [I think] I hope we stay the way we are right now, because it's damn near perfect.

The hardest part of feeling empty is the zombie like lifestyle. Today I realized I'm running on auto-pilot. I can do the simple things like work, meaningless conversation but it doesn't feel like I'm really doing them.

This is so bloody confusing, one part of me wants to be alone, the other wants to just look someone straight in the eye and let everything out.

I don't know what to say anymore...

Smile!

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 00:58:45 GMT

First off...I need a hair cut!

And the lady who normally does it is sick and off island!

My hair is on my neck and it's driving me up a bloody wall...feel like cutting the damn thing myself.

Now I remember why I don't want it long. How do people put up with long hair?

Next up, I spent most of today in town. Had lunch at Taloula Mango's, great as always.

I originally set out to buy a brown pair of heels. I went 3 hours without finding a pair I liked, then I finally found a pair in Style Xchange. Oh I felt so relieved; and they had them in my size! But the 10 was too big [made me feel kinda good about myself] so I asked for a 9. I tried on the right shoe and it fit perfectly and they were sooo damn comfortable. I told her I'd take them, didn't even ask the price. Then something told me to try the left shoe.

The piece of shit was huge! So of course, I am without the shoes I want!

I see me rocking flip flops New Year's Eve...and my mother bitching because of it.

Oh well..not my fault...hahaha

I'm debating if I wanna do someting tonight or not.

Already got one offer...not too excited about it...especially after Cruxx said the person looked scary.

Plus there's church at 7 am and the upcoming labor tomorrow.

Oh you just gotta love life!

P.S. Police officers are getting very very interesting...heehee.

There's always a way to make life interesting, you just have to make your own path

Thoughts From The Shower

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 04:34:05 GMT

Just finished taking a shower and washing my hair.

Feel soooo good oh boy. It may be insane [some would call it dumb] for me to wash my hair so late at night but it's the best time.

While I was dealing with the weave a few things crossed my mind [lol....my best ideas come when I'm taking a shower]

1. Life is about Hope and Faith. You try to have some Faith in people but in the end all you can do is Hope that it all works out in your favor. But too often it's just constant disappointment...and you're left shaking your head thinking either "Why do I even bother" or "I give up". I don't know if I've asked myself those two questions more in the last two weeks or the last two days.

2. Go with instinct. Instinct told me to avoid something and I jumped head first into it...Silly Angel [borrowing your line Cruxx] Now I hate where I'm at...grrrrrr

3. God bless the makers of Pantene.

4. Do I really want to grow my hair out? I can't imagine having someting touching my back all the time. When my hair was at my shoulders that drove me up a wall. Imagine sleeping and your hair chokes you in your sleep [I'm picturing Cruxx shaking his head thinking "Dis damn girl head ain no good self...why she don't stop cuttin da shit". I Still Love You Corazon]

5. After the past few weeks of tackling all the work related events and being extremely exhausted somedays, I wonder if I'll be able to handle Carnival. Three weeks! Oh Boy...another test of will.

6. Guys hardly think!!

7. Why are old ass men hitting on me? Do I look like I need a 40 year old boyfriend?!?! That's just wrong!!

8. Some people don't know any better [this one is linked to number 6]

9. I give up on males while I'm on St. Maarten. I said it before and I went against it [look where it got me] So back to the original plan. No males for the next 8 months.

One extra thought: Why can't I hold a grudge? I can't stay angry for long. I don't know if it's a strength or a weakness but I'm starting to hate it with a passion. I feel like an idiot sometimes, someone screws me over, turns me inside out and I'd still stand by them if I had to.

Hi Again!

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 23:55:09 GMT

Okiee...think I promised a continuation.

After graduation we hit Sunset Beach Bar and Bliss...damn good fun!! Not one single complaint.

Well minus when people were telling me that Elmo looked upset and it was probably my fault [cuz I spent most of the time chillin with Guy].

Aside from that it was pretty damn good.

And Guy and I are greattt. I didn't want to say anyting to jinx it but we're pretty cool.

Saturday thru Tuesday Maki was sick like a dog..sucks and blows!

Cruxx came by, he made my throat better...thanks Corazon!

All the bars are set for the New Year's Eve Event!

The TelCell Hurricane & TurboNet Tornado are circulating on the Boardwalk quite nicely.

Chilled at Taloula's today...funnnnn!! Perfect way to end the work week!

Back there tomorrow and Sunday!!

Ummm...now we're prepping for the New Year's Eve Party. Hopefully that turns out well.

Oh and I dunno where I stand with that Elmo dude, but I'm too happy to worry about it.

Ciao

-Maki

P.S. TelCell Hurricane is Tequila, Lime Juice and Blue Curacao

While TurboNet Tornado is Vodka, Ting and Grenadine!!

See ya at the Boardwalk with your drinks!

Christmas Season Part 1 [Hopefully]

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 04:51:25 GMT

Well...this has been a good and bad Christmas Season.

All of TelCell's events went great. I'm happy to say that I was a part of them.

Graduated on Friday...Yup, my SDHS days are officially over. Graduation itself was great. But I couldn't smile thru the entire ceremony. I found myself looking around hoping to see Elmo there...maar it wasn't meant to be. Didn't congratulate me or anything. I think he's the only person that didn't congratulate me. People I didn't expect to remember sent me text messages or e-mails to congratulate me....but not him. I mean damn...Graduation was 5 days ago and he hasn't mentioned it at all.

It's things like that that make me consider being alone in life. The constant disappointments make you feel like it isn't worth it. I think it's because I'd go out of my way for everyone else, I'd just like the same when it really matters. I don't expect people to care if I sprained my ankle or if work is driving me crazy...but I'd like to think I mean something to someone...ahh damn, now I'm getting sad.

I wanted to give a full recap of the past few days but ummmm...I can't right now.

I was playing tough bitch about the Graduation thing, even when Cruxx came by to see me this evening, I shrugged it off, like Elmo forgetting my Graduation wasn't such a huge deal. Now it hurts.

Good Night folks.

And try not to expect anything from anyone because too often it ends in disappointment.

Hey There

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 02:47:34 GMT

It's been like a week since my last entry!

No internet some days, no electricity other days, strange looking water other days, satellite system not working, no cable some days. **sigh**

All seems to be will right now in the utility department...hopefully it lasts [fingers crossed very tightly]

The annual Christmas fair was last weekend, after all the stressful preperations it came out pretty good.

The Senior Citizens lunch was yesterday and that went over good as well.

Tomorrow is the Children's party...looking forward to that one soooo much!! Oh boy you have no idea.

Even though I complain about working twelve days straight it's worth every minute of it all.

It's Christmas time, which means shopping for gifts [NOT looking forward to that]

Already got a slight headstart on it. Only the rents, brother in law, Cruxxy and Elmo left.

Hopefully those are all simpe...cuz we all know how much I hate hate hate to shop!

Christmas signals New Year's Eve. I'm truly hoping it isn't a repeat of last year. First off Rae isn't here [*tear*] and I don't think Kris can make me stop crying by himself. Soooo...I'm hoping I don't cry my ass off this year. I just want to enjoy it...no hassles!

Anyhoo...I'm gonna go to bed, need as much energy as I can get for tomorrow.

Ciao!