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Angel's RealityMy Sick World
July 29 Memory Lane Pt 2And continuing with my trip down memory lane, here's a few quotes that I found written on a sheet of paper:
Not to do pt 2Today I've returned with more things of what not to do when you're in a relationship or whatever you people call them [I don't do them so I don't know what to call them
July 28 Memory Lane Pt 1Cruxx always told me that I don't give guys chances to prove that they are decent. Today I can officially say that he's right. Why would I admit to that you ask? Phineus! I couldn't stop the question from forming in my head and I wanted to swear and smack myself because of it. I swear I wasn't trying to put him in a negative light [and technically that wasn't a negative light...right?] Who am I kidding...you're all going to say that I have no faith in him. Anyhoo..I spent this all of Saturday cleaning my room and just sorting through my old stuff. Let it be known that I had a very interesting mind when I was at SDHS. Today's post is the Limerick which was read by my vice principal at my graduation. Up and down like an elevator It was oh so much fun explaining to my parents why the word 'bipolar' was in my limerick. July 25 SOM Week [written on my phone]I'm posting this from my phone. I'm temporarily using a Motorola Q and it has Microsoft Office Mobile, which includes the MS Word application, so I've been writing away for the past two days and today I've finally had the chance to post it. The only thing I edited when I got home was the color of the stuff in brackets. Well in the event that you didn't get the message, this has been Shit on Maki week. Saturday I was a teeny bit worried that Phineus was upset with me but that was sorted out and I'll blame it on paranoia. That same night I had to spend sometime around Elmo, which wasn't horrible...just a little uncomfortable. Sunday I spent alone caught up in my own thoughts....not happy thoughts. Monday my mother chose to raise all hell. Tuesday I went to Subway with two coworkers and bumped into my mother [during the drive to Subway I was telling them that I wasn't speaking to her] I played the manners game, said good afternoon, finished my order and said goodbye. Wednesday I was still in a bad mood after the whole thing with my mother when I called my optician's office to confirm my Thursday appointment to get my eyes checked. Pleas keep in mind that to see this guy you have to make appointments weeks, sometimes months in advance. Keeping this in mind, I made my appointment in March...yes March when I was still in Tally. So when I called on Wednesday and was told that my appointment wasn't set and the doctor doesn't even work on Thursdays I was a little angry to say the least. I ended up calling another location where he works and begged to be squeezed in. I have to call back on Monday to see if they'll take my time constraints into consideration and let me see him Thursday wasn't too horrible. It became official that I will be fully financially supported by my father until I get my going away check next week...which really sucks because I normally get paid by the 24th. I'm happy my dad understands why I need to ask him for money. It's a really good thing because I won't be asking my mother for anything right now. The last thing I need to do is give my mother something else to comment on. Well..there was one good thing this week..the sunglasses I ordered got in. They're black RayBan with silver frames. I have the gold pair as well. Well right now Phineus has the gold pair [which he swears are black...wait until he sees the real black] The gold look pretty good on him so I can't argue too much. As I write this paragraph I'm heading to Phytco to see my physical therapist to get a massage. Apparently my back is a little out of shape and has been worked out a little too much [take your mind out of the gutter] The place is pretty cool, it always smells good and the guy who's handling me is cool too. Time to head in. Therapy session over. It wasn't as great as my first time. He said I was really super tense [I wonder why] Never the less, I enjoyed my massage, especially the heated pad on my back at the end of it all. Homebound! July 24 Read ItOkay...I'm pretty tired and I have to say a few things.
I've probably offended a few with this post...but you know what? Good! Get a grip and a life. SlydialSo I was reading the news on MSNBC and I came across a rather interesting story. The headline read Dump your lover directly on voice mail. I kid you not, this really and truly is the headline of the article. Keeping in mind the fact that I love technology and I hate confrontation, this seemed right up my alley. A Boston-based company by the name of Mobile Sphere is offering the Slydial service. This service allows you to go directly to a person's voicemail and say whatever it is you want to say. You simply have to dial (267) SLY-DIAL and when the prompt comes on, you dial the number of the person's voicemail, wait a few seconds and do your thing after the beep. Personally, I think this is great. Who wants to break up with someone or be the bearer of bad news in person? I sure as heck don't. Unfortunately, I don't have the courage to actually use my own voice to do the dirty work, but if I did, my messages would go something like this, "Hey it's Maki, I know we've been chillin for a while, but I don't really wanna do this anymore. I hope we can still be cool..hit me up. [That's the nice put down :)] Or, if you messed up, "Hey it's Maki, I'm calling it quits...in other words..gets ta steppin. [That's the leave me the heck alone version] One lady says she uses the service to remind her clients of meetings and she also uses it to leave messages for her husband. I guess those are relatively good ideas but for business there's the phone and e-mail, for husbands there are text messages. Anyhoo...if you ever need to say something without having to hear the other person...use this service! Or do it the Maki way...have a plan with Unlimited Text Messages..duh! ABW
Thanks to Wendy Williams and Omarosa [who I think is a pain] I’ve learnt a new term. In the event that you don’t know what ABW means, it’s Angry Black Woman. I kid you not; ABW stands for Angry Black Woman. While I’d like to think that I’m somewhat intelligent, the term caught me by surprise.
What exactly is an Angry Black Woman? I’m angry right now, does that make me am ABW? I don’t think I’ve ever used the term [probably because I’d never heard of the term] but from watching the clip of Omarosa on Wendy Williams’ show…I think I have a great idea of what an ABW is.
ABW Part 1
ABW Part 2 July 22 Leave and never look backNineteen years old and the only person that can break me within minutes in my mother. This has been the story of my life for as long as I can remember [do I get points for consistency? Probably not] Being back on The Rock this summer has made me remember why I was in such a rush to leave. I've had an amazing time with my friends. While there were a few moments of unwanted drama...it's been great. Every minute spent with them reminds me that I won't have them when Fall rolls around. If I'm not with my friends, I'm probably at work or at home. Work...I love, the people are great, the time there is fun and I'm able to be productive and take my mind off of life for a while. If I'm not with friends or at work...I'm at home. A home I've been trying to runaway from for about five years now. When I left last year I didn't look back. I marched head first into the newest chapter of my life knowing that what lay ahead couldn't be as bad was what was behind me. There have been times within the past where I questioned God about why I ended up the way I ended up. As much as I like to deny it, I'm soft as hell. I'm beyond fragile and the only things that keeps me in one piece are my cynicism, sarcasm, realistic view of life and most importantly...my ability to lie to myself and give people the false impression of who I really am. So as I sit up in bed drying my tears I'm forced to remember that I can only keep up the facade for so long and it too has an expiration date. It feels like a horrible case of Déjà vu. I'm not really the emotional or crying type because I think both are weaknesses and people use your weaknesses to hurt you. Unfortunately...my mother is my weakness and I've cried because of her more times than I can remember. She has this gift of saying everything I think of myself. She makes me realize that I'm not the person I want to be and I probably never will be. I don't understand why other people's words never get to me and her words hurt more than anything else. I try not to think about it but I know I'm at fault, I don't really think I'm the ideal daughter anyone would ask for. Let's all be honest here [I'm trying to be] I'm not really great daughter material, some days I'm not good people material. I treat most people and situations with my signature indifference and I don't know how to say what I feel. The worst part is that I don't know how not to care. "I don't care," three simple words that I use often yet still I can't practice them. If I did practice them I wouldn't be in my current predicament. About three weeks or so my mother decided she wanted to order some clothes online, I told her if she deposited the money on my account [I'd pretty much withdrawn everything from my BOFA account because of the serious ATM fees and stuff...$5 to withdraw money if I used my BOFA card..no thank you] I'd use my card to buy the stuff because a lot of websites don't accept international cards. I'm not a big fan of the idea of looking at a computer screen while another person goos and gaas at shoes and clothes [yes they're nice or no they look like crap...that's as far as I can go] Keeping this in mind, I told her to just put everything into the bags and I'd pay for them all at once. Wednesday, right before I left to go out she tells me she wants to order the stuff now. I was a lil irritated that she chose that moment but I said okay. I called Graciella and told her I'd be running a little late because I was helping my mom out with something. Order placed, confirmation e-mails received, account hit and I left. Thursday morning, I received an email saying that the order to New York and Co. had been canceled because my card couldn't be authorized. First thought..what the heck?! I called them later that afternoon and was told that the order was canceled because it was placed outside of the U.S. I said thank you, hung up and explained to my mother why it had been canceled. She said okay...she'd order some shoes instead. Today I come home and she asks me about the order that had gone through...I said I didn't know. She huffed and walked away, then she she said she was ready to order the shoes....I said no problem, as soon as the Internet was back up [which seems reasonable to me] Again she huffed and said okay. The huffing irritated me but I kept it to myself [as usual] and came back to my room. A few minutes later she called me and I went to her, she wanted help with this Excel thing, again no problem. I helped her out, she said she understood and I went back to my room and my music. About an hour later I hear her saying "she has a nasty attitude" so I muted my music and listened, only to hear her ranting about me to my sister saying how crappy of a person I am. This about sums it up: Well....she may be right. I do have a crappy attitude. I have a bleak view of reality because life's been not so great to me a lot of times and even though I try not to complain many days I'm forced to wonder why. I don't know if I care about myself so I can't really comment on that one. Yes I do have a better relationship with my father, mostly because he's never made me cry because of the things he's said to me. He's the type of person I want [probably never will] be. I spoke to my sister about why my mother was ranting. I said "I don't care" a few times and she reminded me that I do. She also blamed me for always staying quiet when this stuff happens [I'm a horrible person when I stay quiet...imagine what I'd be called if I actually spoke] I told her I wanted to go back to Tally, she said I should if I'm hurting this badly. I told her I don't want to come back, she said I only have one mother and I can't turn my back on her. I said I'd only come back for my father, she said that's reason enough. She told me they were just words, I told her they were words I would never say to someone I cared about. She told me I needed to get thick skin, I told her I needed to leave, she said "buy your ticket and leave." Is buying a ticket and leaving my only solution? Buy a ticket, leave and never look back? July 14 AtlasSo I just told someone a lot more about myself than I've ever told anyone else. I'm a little freaked out now because people tend to turn honesty into a weapon. And while I am lumping this person into a category with many other people I know, I'm hoping, praying and holding my breath that my words will stay between us. Trust is dangerous yet precious. I'd like to think that you're a friend and I haven't made this mistake that will cost me more than I can afford. My head hurts from going down memory lane. The term 'memory lane' makes it seem so pleasant...sometimes I think visiting Hades would be less of a torture. To Atlas...the weight of the world was never on your shoulders. You had the weight of the sky on your shoulders...you kept the sky from crashing...you kept the world alive. Introducing PhineusOKay...there's something I desperately need to get off my chest. I met someone [Phineus] sometime back. At first glance Phineus seemed alright. I acknowledged his existence and that was about it. No it wasn't mean, it was more like 'oh there's another person.' Give me a break will ya? Most days I'm too far along in my own world to remember to eat much less pay attention to anyone else. Anyhoo one electrical event moved Phineus up from 'some person' to 'oh yeah..that dude' [yes, that is a step up the Maki Ladder of Importance] I guess you could say mutual friends led us to being in the same room together for more than five minutes without me writing him off [yes I do count how long I'm in the same room with someone before thinking he or she is a complete idiot and exiting] My encounters led me to think that Phineus was a nice enough guy [unlike many I'd met before.] In the weeks that followed, I still had that good impression of Phineus. He was just one of those guys that I considered to be cool to be around, reminded me of home. I could say and do whatever and not be worried about him in more than a friendship way. That's all I really want out of life anyway..really great friends. While Phineus was in my friendship boat, there was someone else who wanted a little more than the friendship boat with him. I told that person good luck and happy hunting and placed some distance between Phineus and myself. Nobody's gonna say I'm getting in the way...maar ja. Somewhere between Valentine's Day and Spring Break Phineus said he thought I looked like an alright human being [I don't know how to accept compliments and I definitely don't know how to repeat them without sounding conceited.] Now when most people get compliments, they say thank you and that's usually the end of the conversation. I'm not most people. After saying thanks, I asked Phineus if anything had happened between him and the friend that was interested in him [not out of nosiness but because I thought he was one of those guys that wanted to get with every friend and the friend's friend] Yes I know..it's wrong to assume the worst of people but come on! One minute she's all caught up and the next he's telling me I look pretty decent. I dare you not to assume the worse. He said nothing happened [even though I was pretty sure something did] and for about 30 seconds after reading his text message I felt bad for asking. About two weeks later I headed to the 954...yup...Ft. Lauderdale, Fl! Spring Break was so frickin good! Spent it with my two bestest roomies, my Buddy and their family. Everyone was so nice to me and I met some really cool people. Over Spring Break I was texting Phineus day and night which I didn't think much off cause I text everybody day and night [don't call me..text me ;)] Plus I didn't think we were on that level until he made an offer that I had to refuse.; when he made the offer I immediately thought of the 'get all the friends routine' [we already concluded that I jump to the worst conclusion..new material please!] I felt really bad for a few days. I felt like I'd set him up for the brick wall. After the whole Spring Break thing. In the days that flew by I went from thinking that he was just one of the many guys I was trying to avoid to thinking that he was a half decent guy...in the days that followed he moved up from half decent to pretty decent. Even though we were always on the friendship tip, I always wondered about him and her..especially when he started growing on me. Somehow we ended up doing the boy likes girl and girl likes boy thing. I liked a boy..seriously...I kid you not [to everyone who said they saw it coming...screw you..I mean that in the nicest possible way] And in true Maki style...I backed up. I started panicking and thinking of all the negatives [mostly the friend and secondly..I don't do guys..not in a lesbian way...I just don't know how to deal with the whole 'liking someone' thing..it's foreign territory] After seriously pushing him away, I realized that I was more afraid of losing him as a friend than anything else, and I decided to let things run their course. Things were pretty great up until it was time for me to leave Tally [not my idea..strictly my mother's] I got really sick a few days before I left...did the whole throw up for two days straight..roomies wanted me to go to the Emergency Room thing. Sick enough to make serious confessions and not remember any of it. Apparently I epitomized temporary insanity or loss of inhibition. I ended up saying that I didn't believe in love or marriage, I said some stuff about my parent's relationship, my mother, Phineus and her. I went so far to say that I really liked Phineus but I thought he was all about sex and I really thought that he had something with her and chose to lie to me about it. Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard of the quote "drunken words are sober thoughts" and I didn't see much truth behind it..until it happened to me. The worst feeling in the world was the next day when my roommates told me that he took care of me. Rumor has it I was alternating between throwing up on Phineus and insulting Phineus [yes...I'm talented like that] The things that I said were really my thoughts...but mine for me and only me. When I first starting chilling with Phineus I had to force myself to believe him when he said nothing happened, but we all know I don't really trust anyone [not even myself] But after a while, I started to believe him, partly because his actions matched his words and partly because I wanted his words to be the truth. Two days after my episode and I'd recovered for the most part and we spoke. I can tell you...it's hard to think little of the person that stays with you even when you throw up on them. At first it wasn't that great...kinda argued a bit at first but it calmed down and he forgave me [at least I'd like to think that he did because up to this day I still feel really bad about the whole thing] Anyhoo..I left Tally two days after recovery with us being on great terms. Two months later...I'm hoping that we're still on good terms. In conclusion..I'm confused about a dude I named after a Disney character [I have my reasons] who didn't have anything [trying to trust the dude] with a female that I chose not to talk about [again I have my reasons]
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Invite as friend
